But obv that’s kinda the dominant cultural understanding of things and I can’t imagine I’d blackpill gail on relationship anarchy, so I kinda have to approach it that way? Alternatively I could just be like you are committing violence by preventing my free association blah blah

Anyway im kinda off track. Like I think keeping gail in my life would be really really nice in theory, but I am skeptical in practice, and I don’t know what I’d like that relationship to look like. Also negotiating that dynamic alone is like very foolish, thats not how

Relationships work. Neolib brain got me thinking in transaction shit. But yeah I’m also just pretty worried that I would fuck her life up yknow? Like shes on track to get a killer $ job, has big relocation plans (which apparently now encompass half the habitable US), travel stuff

Guess it was also just hard figuring stuff out by myself without Real World TM interaction and only my cishet girlfriend to talk it though with me :P awkward dynamic there (and I handled yikes, but she was gracious)

I think me forcing stuff to support a “profile” of me was pretty common and pretty harmful tho. Happened in a bunch of areas, and I don’t really know how to avoid. Wasn’t nearly as bad as start of relationship but yeah idk

Ig I’ll talk about 1, but idrk how much to read into it. My mom obv did lots, but idk. I don’t get birthday stuff that much anyway, just confusing. Maybe that confusing is why I’m thinking so much? Or do I like want it to be one way or another?

Knowing myself way. Like sure I’ve just partly spent a bunch of time in classes or reading theory lol, but I found an interest in education which is cool. Gay stuff has changed a bit too. I think I often focused on it or played it up to demonstrate like hey this is real I’m valid

But it wasn’t like really me ig, but also maybe that was just me finding my footing with stuff. Like I feel like now I’m just comfy being like yup my gender/sexuality is queer and I just chill, don’t have to think about it too much.

And like realistically it’s not like I’m really interested in having multiple partners (seems like so much work) but also I’d like not to be limited. Was going to say “But yeah I feel very confident Gail is monogamy person” but that might not be fair either. I feel like sometimes

I put words in her mouth unfairly so I shouldn’t do that. But yeah idk like I feel like it would be healthy to date some other people, including guys, just to be like yeah this is what I want. Ideally that dating around wouldnt be exclusive with getting back together with her,

But in reality yknow? And it’s interesting my mom told her about some of the stuff I’ve been up to and she was shocked, we both have changed and idk about the causality on that. Like in some ways I feel being apart has been really healthy for my personal development, in a

Compromise for other coast stuff (including east coast??? LMFAO) she’s in cali rn for context btw. Really don’t know what to make of it. Her mom and brother are thinking about moving there, so maybe them talking about the realities confronted her with challenges?

Idk, the other thing is like should I even care about this? Like why do I care about it? My mom was all giggly and excited to tell me things, and it was clear she is hopeful for getting back together. Idk what to think about that.

Like I love her for sure, she’s super cool. I was going to say “but I have to be sure I’m not just sticking with what I know just bc comfy and scared of change” but idk if that makes sense. Like in some ways true, but it also assumes a few things, including monogamy

Ok so my mom told me things that Gail texted her when I was over for my birthday, and I need to process it. 2 big things:1 she wanted to text me about birthday but wanted to keep rules we set, and 2her expectations have become more “realistic” and she doesn’t need to live in cali

2 is kinda weird, mom introduced it as she doesn’t care about living in cali anymore, but that is not the vibe I got when she read it out quote (I didn’t ask for her to read out, she just did, I will touch on soon) felt like she really deeply cares about cali but is willing to

I bounce from socdem to anarchist depending on the issue, scale, time frame. potentially just have to read more theory and i still am learning but it certainly is an odd moment for me

lol i look like shit, bags so big no sleep

Internally I don’t think that sunk in. Which like drove a wedge because I felt like I couldn’t be honest, I had to keep her happy. Obviously the not doing things together was a wedge too but yknow this one is more interesting because it’s subtle.

Not that I think I did anything wrong necessarily by setting boundaries or making my preferences clear. And I’m not upset with her that that wasn’t something she didn’t want. Idk super cool person, just mismatched expectations/needs in “relationships”

Couldn’t just solve the way I felt about things, I forever turned to her for that and was emotionally frustrated and didn’t deal with things myself. Now I’m more forced to do that myself. Now, whether or not I’ll actually do it and do it in a healthy way is another issue.

I just think I harbored a lot of fear in the relationship, and really wanted to please her. But in a weird way that wasn’t expressed into action? Like I consciously knew and decided I have the freedom to refuse things I don’t want to do and often did so, but in my mind and

Decided I wanted to do some reflection (I was not already thinking about). Being without Gail in some ways is like super freeing for me. Like there’s an additional responsibility for myself and handling things that I just didn’t have. I think even though I consciously knew she

Anarchy!!!

My political journey: 1) injustice and oppression exist 2) often its systemic 3) corporations play a massive role in this oppression 4) the government has incredible potential to solve these issues 5) ah nevermind the state only acts in its own interest

Currently: Vote dem to have someone less hostile, induce interest convergence where possible, organize dual power

Uncomfortable with body -> no eat -> no energy/focus -> overwhelmed -> spiral for a bit -> decide I want to eat again -> energy is back, so is weight (or perception of) Start over 😀

My personality is so variable, I hate how much I change depending on social environment

I feel so fucking gross after social interaction, like I’m being inauthentic. Any interaction feels forced and fake. God I hate everything

cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe

:( I feel like nothing is interesting to me rn. no games, no videos, no more school work (im doing enough). Idk, I think maybe I want social interaction (specifically from ryna or other ppl from maya's server) but the server is down so yea idk

like i just miss interacting with people my ageish - its just such a different experience. hopefully this new class can sorta provide that? but its like not at all the interaction i think im craving

idk i feel tired and burnt out but also restless, i dont know what to do. I dont feel like i can relax and i feel like things are lacking

like fuck fuck fuck i hate being the center of attention even if i have something to say like ugh fuck that shit

so uncomfortable

i despise social interaction so much

cringe cringe cringe cringe

I don't wanna disturb anyone or anything, i just wanna live my life

there can be benefits to social stuff but holy shit the downsides are like always there and are fucking brutal

and like i need more self confidence absolutely but at the same time like .,askdfnlk.akjshf;lkajs;dflkjas;pdflkj

anxiety anxiety anxiety fuck fuck fuck fuck sorry sorry sorry gah gah ahg;lkasdhjg

Idk obv it’s pretty silly like it’s minecraft, it’s just social interaction stuff is weird and I don’t often interact with people. Another thing is like maybe I’m just getting caught up in being around ppl with similar values, interests etc

Even joining the server and continually playing it is pretty odd for me, idk. Tons of considerations and stuff idk. Im tired,

Ok I’ve gotta type some stuff out bc I’m kinda confused and I can’t sleep. So yesterday and today I’ve been playing on FemBoyMaths’ minecraft server they just started, and there’s a lot of weird social things about myself I’ve noticed n stuff because of it, idk how to make sense

But the biggest thing was my interaction today with someone named Ryna, idk confusing and odd and exciting. My last tweet was some of our first interaction, and it wasn’t weird like it might seem out of context. He’s super cool and also like I’m kinda crushing?

Idk what to think about that and I’m way too tired to make sense of it. Like there are so many things. First personality boy crush, he’s older (23), aromantic/greyromantic things, he’s good at like talking and making first move thing and that’s comfy for me

genuinely the most gender affirming interaction ive had 🥰

went for a walk/run today :) i cant run very long but i went on and off. very hot

Like that would make sense, but that’s not how I really feel I guess. I think im done now tho

Like I probably shouldn’t be that reliant on her, not now or ever, but ig it’s also hard to disaggregate her being my only support system and her being the one I’ve wronged. Like if she didn’t forgive me? I’d still have to move on lol