Not to say that I wouldn’t take it to heart, just like I can’t live my life forever considering myself a bad person. A person that did plenty of bad things to someone over the course of years? Absolutely. The only model I’ve seen for really coming to terms with that type of thing

Is Destiny, and I think that’s a bit too toxic masc for my style and not enough recognition of wrong, downplays too much.

Lol I kinda realized I’ve shifted to intellectualizing, probbaly not super useful for emotional progress. Idk. I’ve typed enough ig. I still miss her, and I still feel something similar to pain? Maybe like there’s something lacking that I normally have? But that’s not it.

I still don’t think I have a completely coherent approach to relationship post-mortems, and for instance my understanding of my relationship with Sydney bothered Gail a lot. This is pretty different tho, I was more of the “victim” with S, and I broke up with her.

With Gail, I’m obviously still formulating my thoughts but I feel as I was for more manipulative/hurtful/abusive. It’s just a way different dynamic to make sense of. I’m just flooded with memories where I acted totally shit lol, it sucks.

Like people make mistakes, and it’s okay to admit I fucked up. I’m not sure if I’ve totally internalized the “it’s okay” part, and I may feel like I need external validation of that, particularly from Gail, but that seems super questionable.

Just sorta chillin alone in apartment doing summer courses. Don’t get me wrong, I love that! Just maybe not super conducive for switching my life up in a meaningful and healthy way to move on properly.

And yet again, I could just be rushing it! It’s been four months out of a 4 plus year relationship like I think it’s probably reasonable for me to be feeling uneasy here and there. Obviously I won’t and don’t want to ever truly “move on”, because it’s an important portion

Of my life, like unbelievably so. My entire personality got flipped on its head multiple times, in no small part due to her. I don’t mean to look back with rose colored glasses though, there was a lot of messy and gross stuff, but that stuff was and is influential too mr too.

But I also know that a lot of that success path is defined by some really toxic trash capitalist dogma so fuck that lol, it’s still frustrating and embarrassing to deal with people that have that shit internalized (most people yay)

I just don’t want my ability to emotionally move on when the time and space is right to be hindered by my justifiable lack of progress in the economic sense. I suppose a big part is that I don’t have much to move on to, yknow?

Not to diminish the relationships I’m in, but they’re just…. Different than would be helpful in this way. I keep thinking about convos I would have with gail if I could, idk if that’s healthy. Closure is obv fake, it doesn’t work like that.

However, I still think it would be nice at some point. Maybe naive or unhealthy, I’m not sure. I do worry a bit about the pace of my emotional progress, and feel a bit of embarrassment in general about yknow my sort of pace of “growing up”

Continuing to grapple with allowing myself to feel things and moving on. I don’t want to dwell too much maybe? But I definitely don’t want to suppress. I honestly think a huge part of me lacking that “”closure”” is not having someone I consider a true peer to talk to.

I have a serious anxiety problem lol. I don’t know what to do about that. I feel like it’s not even about learning intelligent ways to approach and think about things more clearly, it’s just an instant emotional reaction. Feels out of control and can mess me up for a bit :/

It can feel like I'm not moving on properly, and I feel like me being inside all the time and not interacting with anyone else makes that worse. It really bothers me how I now lack people to critically engage with, like I could bounce ideas off with gail for hours and it was

probably my favorite thing to do. Idk she was like the only person I had "philosophy" discussions with, idk if thats because I already trusted her and felt like I could be honest? And like I respected her ability to think and challenge me, it was really cool.

Idk, I do really miss that, and I do really miss her. I'm not sure if thats compatible with moving on, but I'd like to think that it is. Like missing someone and the role they played in your life without necessarily wanting it back or letting it get in your way.

it would be nice to have a therapist maybe lol

I spent a bunch of time today looking at Filipino stuff and idk how really to feel about it. Maybe its just guilt from not caring earlier or something. It does a little bit worry me how much I'm still affected by her, like worried I'm not getting over things. But if I take a

step back and think about things, I think that it makes sense and is a good thing or at least neutral. Like she was obviously a super big part of my life and my growing up, of course I'm going to be impacted by that. I don't need to feel shame about that.

god i wish i could talk with gail about this https://x.com/POCculture/status/1400905443111673857

like there are so many things going on -name slang for genitals?? -already existing Filipino characters that are more faithful to their culture? -WHY CAPTAIN AMERICA OF ALL THINGS WTF WE LITERALLY COLONIZED THEM???????

like representation is super cool and if it means that more people will be able to see themselves thats fucking awesome, I just wish it was maybe done well. and its totally possible im off base and its a non-issue (im white and don't speak the language, dont know the culture)

Lol holy shit I gained 15 pounds in less 45 days (160 now) what the fuck

I feel like shit lol, I think I’m gonna track for a bit idk. This blows

Kyler eat normally challenge (impossible)

I can't handle talking and being seen and shit right now I just want to chill out and listen i fucking hate this shit fuck fuck man

holy fuck my anxiety is so so so fucking bad rn holy shit i hate this shit fuck me fuck this fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

So they’re pretty connected things in my mind. Also thinking about where and what friendship will look like is hard to imagine. People that think too similarly to me are boring, so classes feel like a dead end. I don’t do anything outside of that,,,, so

Idk I also think in a lot of ways I’m struggling to free myself from imagining a “Gail replacement”, like someone that will fill all the same spots yknow. But there are so many reasons why that’s an awful way of thinking and yeah idrk, it’s hard.

:(

I had and still have a LOT to learn, and it just sucks that she was put on the receiving end of my struggle to improve. I seriously appreciate everything she did for me so much. I miss her very much, she played such an important role in my life.

It’s also hard now bc I sorta have no friends, which in lots of ways is great, but is also confusing. Especially when trying to process emotions about Gail, I don’t know where missing her ends and craving a friend begins. She was basically the only one for a long time,

Not sure why but today has kinda been really rough for me emotionally. Woke up very tired, internet went out, lots of emotions while trying to help dad navigate something for his workers, called internet, accidentally called gail in the process (fuck), groceries,lots of homework,

Now I can’t sleep. Feeling lots about Gail I think. Kinda numb but like wanting to feel something about it idk how to explain. Numb is frustrating. Sometimes I think I don’t let myself grieve, I speedrun all the stages too quick :(

Idk if I’d call them regrets but I just have so many moments where I’m like fuck why did I do that - I wish I hadn’t treated you that way. And like idk it was 4+ years you’re gonna fuck up dude it’s ok

also i accidentally called gails number today. i hung immediately but idk if she still got a notification. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

cultural norms, and its hard to tell the difference between that and something that should actually be valued. Obviously people have different expectations for me than I would prefer, but idk. Caring about this so much at all is kinda weird too

Like maybe this is the reflection I need to set myself free of "romantic relationships" and just engage with people freely without the awkward norms that don't work for me. Like once i get this thinking out I won't have to think about it again, even tho ive done a lot of think

Maybe this is needed for me to figure out im aromantic? If thats even a thing? Maybe this is all to circle back around someday to how the dominant culture feels, idk

I guess I just feel like I spend an unweildy amount of time thinking about romantic relationships and I'm struggling to think about why.

Like I guess I'm having a hard time figuring out how I feel about things because there are lots of instances where I don't think I have any true obligation to do things for others. Like I feel like for most people relationships are an area where you suspend your autonomy

and allow yourself to be influenced and adopt the other person's expectations while also imposing your expectations and influences on the other. And I think I've always really struggled with "romantic relationship" stuff.

Like the obligations put on you are super super informed by the norms of the day and thats just kinda meh idk. So much is left unsaid and there are so many limitations. And it's not like I actively wanted to engage in everything considered taboo often, but just having that

restriction feels odd. Clearly somehow I've taken a moment where I was supposed to be self reflecting on my potentially harmful behavior and turned it into something else but idk. It's possible that much of the criticism levied at the character is just due to

I think I definitely engaged in a lot of selfish passivity while dating Gail. And while in many cases it may have been acceptable or not necessarily wrong, I don't think I ever communicated what I was doing or thinking properly.

I just watched Midsommar and maybe I'm not correctly interpreting things but a video I watched talking about the movie singled out that passivity in the boyfriend character. Sort of allowing things to happen and having plausible deniability for things that are messed up.

and like by the time i really started to understand social issues (im still obviously learning) the influence of that stuff was way less bc she had moved out already. idk, still just frustrating and disappointing, like pay attention, put in effort, care

sorta allowed myself to be color blind in this area yknow, and that sucks :/ like if racial issues or self determination or anything political like i feel confident that i could come to the correct intuition by not just being a nationalist reactionary prick but thats not enough