reading from democracy to freedom, very interesting but I still worry about consistency. like institutionalizing charity as welfare is far more effective, and even with a gift economy scare resources still need to be allocated. I worry that free association will not be able to

provide adequate dependable care

Organization, there is some reasonable level of anxiety to be had over your own well-being if your partner can’t provide that. And ig just internalizing that or wanting to meet the expectations of someone that means a lot to me is understandable

And I always do this thing where I abstract it away rather than dealing with my feelings, and at this point I don’t really feel much. Ig I got nothing then. Still feel like I didn’t successfully express myself and let it out, but there’s nothing left

Have to assimilate. And I’m sure I’ll be able to, and find some bullshit career that I’ll hate but will come to terms with. Just I’m not there right now, and that’s a little awk. Which brings me to another thing that I’ve been thinking about since we broke up which is pretty odd

“What does she see in me” type thing. Obvious answer is that she just liked my personality and I could be fun/supportive or whatever, but there’s still this weird feeling. Like if I’m genuinely deconstructing the question it’s that in capitalist comp mono culture,

It’s assumed that “your” one “partner” will have a well providing job and that people should be on their path to do that otherwise there’s no point in being with them. Which when broken down is like ok yeah that’s silly as shit, but charitably because that’s the assumed

And honestly it’s even a little embarrassing to think about, like after so much time even considering a re-establishment of anything feels naive, just because there’s no confirmation from the other person. And I mean there are other things, like how I really haven’t changed

Anything about myself since then, at least not super substantially. Like Gail has a ton of future life shit working, and from my perspective seems absolutely ready to take on the world (I’m sure she would disagree, but she is just really capable and I know she can handle so much)

But then there’s me with no job/internship, no clue about the future, living completely off parents, and while I conceptually entirely agree that all the standards and coercion placed upon people are bullshit, doesn’t stop them from being standard and expected and someday I’ll

More realistic about it not just being relief for the pain I was feeling, and that it will probably be pretty awkward and uncomfortable and all the rest. I’m actually feeling pretty anxious lol. Not only will it be difficult to navigate practically, but also I have to consider

What I even would like in terms of relationship. Like it may just be easier to touch base once and never talk again, or be friends, or I don’t even know. And that’s impossible to figure out without the other person, so it’s hard to think about my own desires

Like I think I’m fairly certain I could be content with any outcome, but not having an approach going in is stressful and confusing. Not like it’s happening tomorrow or anything just difficult to think about and document how I’m feeling.

Ok trial 2. Basically I think I’m overall glad I’ve not felt the need to think about her as much. Before when imagining meeting up it felt like I could be going back to something safe and familiar, like it would remove the tension and pain of absence I was feeling.

But idk I just didnt feel that way, and that was kinda shocking at first. It makes sense I suppose, still just a little odd. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a very high opinion of Gail and think it would be great to see her again, but I think now I’m able to be a little

Not like being dependent on others is bad bc obv we all are, just like it’s healthy to not NEED someone around when that’s not possible type.

Fuck I think I’m gonna trash this and start over something feels off idk

Alright I’m gonna try to write my thoughts out. So she’s been on my mind more often recently, and I think that’s best explained by an initial thought and then bc it’s recent brain can associate fresh things with. But still I think sorting through feelings on will be important

And useful. So first thing that I think is most informative is somewhat mixed reaction to thinking about meeting her again. I think this was caused by me thinking about how many months left in year or something. Anyway usually it’s very hopeful or positive thoughts, like I miss

Her. And I think that missing feeling has gone away, at least the most visceral feeling of like something feeling off/lacking without her. Like I have thought about her lots less bc I just didn’t really need to yk. I think that’s a positive thing like feeling dependent sucks

This is so cool (didn’t wanna qt bc small acc lol) I really gotta write out my thoughts soon, bc clearly this is something I was wanting to share w Gail

went down a gintis pipeline and found this interview, really interesting progression and perspective. I think I still disagree about what he calls postmodernism (rick wolff postmodern??) and that its harmful and useless, https://t.co/8kDeaek5d1

seems to go hard on science data guy which is really good (and a breath of fresh air in econ) but still I think he undervalues less data driven things too much like philosophy or political theory. Tho its possible im misinterpreting and he strictly means like try to be impartial

while designing experiements/studies/research, in which case yeah absolutely, even if thats not completely possible. Would be interested to hear Gail's perspective on this, bc she was interested when i told her about experimental econ (social sciences need!)

also kinda odd that thats where my mind has been going lately too, I'd like to sort my thoughts out about that but I'm not really sure what to say or how to approach.

Towards a Political Economy of Education: A Radical Critique of Ivan Illich 's Deschooling Society by Herbert Gintis - very good at describing my frustrations with Illich

holy shit this is so good (esp the last 2 sentences!!)

Aaah I had a long dream about gail (not romantic/sexual just hanging out) and when I was coming out of it I reached across my bed to try to hold her/cuddle. Lol kinda embarrassing kinda cute that brain went there

Had a weird moment where I thought about talking to/ meeting up with Gail again and felt like nervous and apprehensive, where most of the time I have felt like really looking forward to and then a subsequent guilt kinda thing about that feeling. Idk how to make sense of either rn

Too tired rn to fully express but I should come back to

Almost done with vol 1 of capital, have really enjoyed the lecture series alongside makes things way easier to understand, and I like the slow and deep pace. Shame I don’t think I’ll be able to get through vol 2 before school starts

Just got back to back ads for vegan foundation and men anti-balding product and I love how different that is

oh i should note that i like this quote, this is a very contentious issue from what i can tell. I think its fair to say that a lot of capitalistic production technology advancement is not merely neutral but does carry ideological weight, however that doesn't apply in every case

i like tech advancement in general and think efficiency has great potential to improve quality of life, but i also think that relations of production and the technology itself ought to be challenged and questioned to ensure exploitation is not occuring

In Capital Vol 1, Marx argued that productivity increases tend to lead to a reduction in demand for labor, although Marx celebrated the productivity of mechanization, condemning capitalist relations of production rather than technology itself.

i hate myself so much im so fat and gross

an anonymous machine, without any foreman who steers the machine or can be made responsible for the destruction wrought by the machine. If one wishes to put an end to such destruction, it is not sufficient to criticize capitalists.

Rather, capitalist structures in their entirety must be abolished." - Michael Heinrich really gets at the annoyance i have with progressive libs and their obsessions with musk bezos etc

"As shown above (see section 4.2 or 5.2), economic actors follow a rationality that is imposed upon them by the economic relations. Thus the constant attempts by capitalists to raise the level of valorization (in the normal case) does not result from an “excessive addiction to

profit” on the part of the individual capitalist; it is competition that forces such behavior upon individual capitalists on pain of economic ruin. Everybody, including those who profit from the operation of capitalism, is part of a gigantic wheelwork. Capitalism turns out to be

Reading “Racism Without Racists” right now and oh god the amount of bullshit Gail had to deal with from me… yikes. I was afforded a lot of patience and grace but like wow that must have been so frustrating. Like ofc I’ve known this for a bit but just remembering

Sociology is super interesting but I’m kinda glad the classes offered at UW kinda suck, otherwise I’d be very tempted to ruin my course plan even more lol

its fine to be learning but i just can't get over how theres no basis in anything and the extent of engagement is just entertainment and the undercurrent theory is just,,, not there and when it is mentioned you reference COMPLETELY different strands just demonstrating you don't

know enough. and TO BE CLEAR - i was like this for a long time, and i still would not feel confident making something like this, nor do i have everything figured out. but to go out of your way to do this when youre just a bernie bro socdem is so weird - popular online leftie

stuff is super yikes im cring