the yay-saying negativist

yea yea

(sidney morgenbesser reference)

posting that was genuinely heartbreaking

i'm just fucking sad man, everything is a bummer. it is and will be fine, but there's just such a pinch in my heart

that too was messy and inarticulate, and not in a "waow so raw so deep way". i misspoke and my emphasis is still all wrong but whatever man i'm tired

grundrisse ass cover art

"everything's fine" hits, good track

i think tomorrow i'd like to find a place to hide and listen to music

ngl i really fumbled the last one and im never clear about my purpose with such things (even to myself, which causes me to flounder when challenged). had a long talk with kasey about it and we kinda settled on "actually this was a call-out post for your affluent followers in disguise"

like yea i'm a part of it but that's not really the primary purpose, it's more like performative over the top self-flagellation with the intention to remind people that this shit is not benign or innocuous, it doesn't come from nowhere, one ought reflect on it's sources, integration, usage, etc etc.

lowkey i also just hate the obscurity and pretending everyone has about this stuff too. everyone presents themselves as something they are not and the only real way to verify is to be obnoxiously transparent. but it either comes off as genuinely guilt-ridden or humble bragging.

it's a flawed strat, i don't think i'm gonna do it anymore. it causes a lot of interpersonal issues and it's blunt and ugly so i'm backing down. i think it was more rhetorically effective when i was making 70k, because techies were making more than me and i could be like "even with this its opulent"

i'm kinda done trying to spread or share what i think. for one i'm not as sharp as before. it also just doesn't matter. i sorta just have an accumulation of blurry dispositions and reactions, and im grateful for those, but at this point i'm inarticulate and don't have any fight in me.

i don't care about anything other than my friends and it sucks to see them hurt all the time and no one pays it any mind. we're all so much more damaged than we realize and everyone is just trying to protect themselves and maintain their pride instead.

yes affirmation and yay-saying are good, but when it's purpose is cowardly ego defense or ignorant pride it's just weakness. i'm weak too and i don't know what to do and i can't fix the world. so i guess i'll acknowledge myself privately, place my focus elsewhere, and make the most of what i have.

no shortcut to reading

your thoughts aren't worth it otherwise. mine haven't for quite a while

humans are really sensitive and weak and disgusting in a nice way

squishy

proto-willow

that nap really helped whew

posted twice, didn’t tag once 😔

got weirdly self conscious about my voice today

walked too much gonna nap now

ah no wonder i was tired and quiet, i walked 6 miles in dress clothes and a 20 pound bag

id still fuck david tho

i could use a water break first

hm that was ok, i think im usually a little too quiet

sweaty and humid now tho, i wanna take a shower

i’ll go find kitty

my walk took me off campus, which feels more significant

quite the effort to go from wizards to farm to suburbs

i think i’d kms if my house was within eyeshot of this fuckass place

they’re gonna rezone ur ass and build midwest disney world on top

i don’t think i wanna go back yet

imagine if i kept posting on main with this frequency like i used to, in all its mundanity. delusional to expect i could maintain it with all the eyes, and even more delusional to think it wasn’t affecting me

can’t step to the goat tho

why my toes hurt tho, what’s up w that

full backpack on fancier clothes also not so cozy on this walk

so much for ugm degen time, the activity is nice enough though. wish there were more dark corners

not much point logging in now that juli’s gone again, but it’s a good call for her. rebirth appropriate

gonna wander around campus waiting for her call, hopefully this helps. or yknow, fills space

currently listening: kevin devine’s joey cover

sleepsky let’s play when

no way that’s awesome, i knew denpa archivist had some playthroughs up but didnt realize there was a full translation

hell yea :3

i've actually made some progress since then