I bounce between states of being so frequently that “episode” feels more appropriate than “arc” or “season”. I’m don’t think I’m enjoying the current episode very much.

My mom is neurotically concerned with whether or not I love her, and I don’t really know what to do with that. “Love” is treated categorically, and without gradation or context. Constantly be called to account for my love (or lack) disinclines me to answer favorably.

I don’t exactly enjoy your company if that’s what you’re asking. I appreciate the favors you do for me, but I don’t think you respect me very much and haven’t reflected much (or expressed interest in reflecting) about your performance as a parent and the hurt you caused.

We don’t have a great relationship, I’m not sure why you think me flatly and dryly acquiescing to saying “I love you” will fix anything.

Of course, this is partly me taking pleasure in the fact that I have something you can’t have and can’t control. Given my past of problematic applications of this desire for control, it’s fair to be a bit skeptical. But I don’t think that means I automatically have to do the opposite either.

To be more clear about “gradation and context”: the love in a casual reciprocal “love you too” is contextually (qualitatively?) different than the love expressed during a feeling of deep admiration, an appreciative response to laughter, or an intimate embrace.

This by no means implies one can give an exhaustive taxonomical account of all the various ways in which love can be deployed and affirmed.

As for gradation: I’m not sure if I can say I love anyone in the abstract. I love certain features of people, I proclaim love for people in certain contexts provided the right conditions, but it’s not at all clear that I could produce a list of those I love, even if capturing a temporal instant.

Point being: There is no categorical love to be in or outside of, there are a series of expressions with differential force and significance whose conditions are contextual all the way down.

TL;DR: Love is a lovely metaphor, a delightful language game, and mummifying the word is bad enough philosophically. Politically, in this case, it is being used to demand approval and appeasement in the service of easing the psychological unrest of the guilty conscience of an oppressor.

*installs blackout curtains throughout my apartment* *turns off all the lights* “Ahhh, peace at last” *pulls out my phone flashlight to navigate because I can’t see shit*

One of these days someone will call me out for talking to myself while I’m having an anxiety attack and it’ll be fun to see what destructive emotions result from that

shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup

If I don’t vacuum at least once a week, a carpet of my hair accumulates on the floor

The worst thing about getting a strike on youtube is not being able to add anything to playlists, so everything piles up in my watch later until I can organize it all

I should probably make a second account for personal use, but manually migrating mid-5-figures worth of videos in playlists over would be such a pain

It’s kinda wild how much less gas I use now that I no longer live downtown

Every sensory input is a violent intrusion. I am disgusted by the stench, the repulsive texture, the cacophony that is the external world.

I miss the lockdowns, leaving my house every day is really hard

I wish more of my mental problems were ego-syntonic. Anorexia and mania and self harm are fun to ride the high with, depression and anxiety are just tiring and inconvenient.

Surely my erratic emotions and lack of motivation/energy have nothing to with my volatile and inadequate sleep schedule

It’s so fucking humiliating being completely incompetent

Gnawing at my fingers until I can taste the blood from my exposed flesh

That was the most masculine rage I’ve felt in a long time, I’m so fucking tense and I feel so pathetic

Ok I’m chill now

I actually think posting everyday things is gonna be extremely unhealthy for me if I keep it up. I’m kinda miserable all the time and encouraging myself to make quasi-public note of it, instead of just powering through, makes it so much worse. One of the reasons having IRLs is so difficult for me.

I hate how clothes feel on my body. But not having every inch covered is unbearable. ugly ugly ugly

I’m effectively useless at my job without someone holding my hand the whole time. It’s annoying (I’m sure to others more than me) but I can’t bring myself to care enough to dramatically improve.

yesterday a few guy friends of a friend came over to my place and when they found out i only use my fridge for a water pitcher they moved and unplugged it for me. very cute, dudes rock sometimes

>notices UI inconsistency >wonder if there's a fix >finds bug report >success.png >bug has been open over 20 years, last post 5mo ago >200 posts of devs arguing back and forth about who understands UI philosophy better and if this is even a real issue >multiple complete patches, 0 commits >nvm fml

i might try not being a repost bot on this platform - best chance is probably flippant nichijou-kei posting but that's pretty far outside my comfort zone

neon genesis evangelion is kinda meh so far, we'll see tho

Also found this on Isaiah’s pc

dont know how i feel about. lots of things are prob pretty good, esp bc the reasons he hasn't been enganging with them are kinda iffy, but still a little weird to be pressured into certain things. overall just interesting ig

oh yea btw grandma broke her hip after we left lmao nice

i normally default to the latter but she was asking a lot so i prob had the space and time and interest to go into it more, but idk if i was comfy with it completely, esp given the environment. not to mention the type of question being asked was very like analytic philosophy

type for lack of a better description. "what about backyard chicken" type idk bleh boring. also like i get the feeling i should have maybe just been even more surface level bc later she was talking about how she drives electric car and is saving the earth so 🙄

like if i was totally honest id have to get into anarchism and prefiguration and "decolonial tools of animality" and its just thats not what theyre signing up for idk

i had a weird convo with holly yesterday about veganism and idk it was hard bc i didnt know if to just be completely honest and have a ton of explaining to do or just give surface level answers

ive been thinking about the morality of secrets, specifically in close relationships bc of something isaiah brought up yesterday telling a story about finding lewds in someones camera roll and causing a breakup, wanna come back to at some point and flesh things out more

universal legibility and language diversity are really interesting concepts to play with, especially after reading a bit of james c scott. not to even mention to nice quip at the end. and these criticisms apply to any universal language, not just esperanto

i also think the point that the exercise will always be euro-centric and colonialist is absolutely true and its fascinating that i missed that before. really interesting to see how we can reproduce the worst aspects of society while intending good.

googled some stuff about esperanto this morn bc i was interested and then looked on twitter for linguist perspectives and this is a really good critique

found someones cute pfp but it was low qual so i remade :3

Restorative justice, lots of things. And honestly like it’s not a huge interest of mine even tho I acknowledge that current prisons are giga fucked and I’m very sympathetic to a world without them. BUT COME ON DUDE I fucking hate it here

It’s not like that tweet even got ratiod either like I think progressive libs are just co-opting it T-T it became super popular and snappy to say bc BLM and now everything is muddled, rip

BRO ahehbfnfjdjdjbd this is why it’s so hard to find actual resources on this shit. Like personally rn I can’t say confidently I’m a prison abolitionist bc I don’t know what my positive vision would look like, need to explore more critical criminology, transformative justice,

Bro this guy in my class is so conservative and so shit lmfao every time he talks. And it’s annoying bc it’s not like the typical conservative shitter it’s more like William Buckley type and it’s just dressed up more. He speaks up a lot but it’s always in little chunks

So it was hard to tell at first, but there were plenty of really cringe phrases statements words etc. dominates convos but in a weirdly passive way? Idk frustrating to deal with and shuts stuff down imo