in my perspective, especially since irl organizing is something i am completely unfamiliar with. i have no perspective to judge how realistic or effective bringing in outside advisement or speakers are, why am i so dismissive right away?

so i mostly see YDSA as providing value to me in that its more marxist influence and history, and is told by people that are more my peers so theres less complications with attending. which i think is fine, im basically using the group as a means to my own end, rather than an end

in itself/ community. I think i have good reason for this beyond just being simplistically selfish, as the structure of the org is not very conducive to my values and I don't feel comfortable actually being honest and open there. keeping an arms length and getting what i want

out (mostly just reading recommendations) seems fine to me. BUT this can be dangerous when im assessing conflict between members that have different ways of understanding what the org is doing. if you see this org as a place to spearhead a progressive movement for change,

it will matter to you when things are uncomfortable and don't live up to expectations. Even though my initial reaction might be like "lol why would you expect that" i dont think thats very empathic, realistic, or helpful at assessing the situation. and it doesnt excuse execs for

just wanted to quick reflect once more on the inclusivity debate of YDSA, its mostly interesting to me bc i can see what frameworks and assumptions i make when evaluating the case and thats what i wanna break down

much separate? with my relfections from walking home, i think its probably true that mixing them would be more interesting and engaging for both me and others, but theres this big fear of being judged or saying or doing the wrong thing, or being stereotyped based on the little

i say. like what if i bring up something and the response is just "oh. weird." and then its awkward or moves on to another thing. but like "what if" sucks lol and is of course not a good way to approach interactions

on one hand its just like well if they didnt like that thing about you, it would probably never work, but i dont know if its that simple. i guess i think its hard because its like the order of introducing things, and i always feel like i need to have more groundwork established

before introducing things that feel personal. but i hate "personal"!! i think its silly and weird and useless but that fear of being perceived as odd just really spooks me out.

Also TOMORROW not tonight I wanna reflect on how carrd made me realize how fragmented my identity is with various relationships and communities

like i dont really want to mix my politics people with my gaming people with my school people and vice versa but thats pretty weird no? like i restrict an important peice of me wherever i go. there are personal friends that know about all these sides of me, but why do i keep so

reflecting is a lot of "oh god whyyyy" but not like my typical anxiety type? its more like "i feel so bad for these people that i had to interact with" and "im horrified that people still might have this perception of me"

it just sucks that looking back my advice for everyone around me would be to just disassociate for their sake. not like "i have nothing to add" but like "i am actively harmful what the hell"

i feel like i wanna psychoanalyize why i was like this even tho that might not be great. idk i think i was disillusioned with a lot of things parents had said and didn't have good place to go from there. threw out deference to authority along with just treating people kindly

HOLY FUCK DUDE im watching old overwatch vods i was such a fucking cunt dude lmfao. what the hell. oh god im so embarrassed. i feel like i have to apologize to everyone i interacted with ever. i really hope i dont feel this way about myself again in a few years.

OH one last thing i promise. some activity i could actually see myself doing with someone and maybe enjoying is cooking? kinda weird maybe but i mentioned in my carrd and ive reflected on a bit and i think true.

almost surely would not enjoy the eating part but cooking and prep can be fun, which has also been a big shift thing i think.

https://kylerspace.carrd.co/ speaking of which ill leave this here, i dont think ill change structure anymore so it should be stable? might yoink link later tho for another if i make

2) it just wasn't true. i pretended like i had evolved so far beyond her, but didn't even bother talking to her about it!!! idk very silly, very pretentious. and in fact, i was super pseudo-intellectual cringe and she was actually far far superior at dealing with serious

applied philosophy cases that i would just brush off or assume i knew everything about, which is ironic bc im pretty sure that was one of my annoyances??? that she wouldn't engage enough in that kind of stuff??? but like bruh she was super super willing and able to reflect on so

many things!!! you mistook your hubris for understanding, and her intellectual curiosity with foolishness!! actually really disappointing lol. anyway i think im all out but wow this was really eye opening for me.

that doesn't mean that she loved me for no reason, i know that i have plenty of positive qualities. my treatment of her however was not one of those qualities. my overdependence, anger, impatience, lack of care, lack of empathy

not to say that there could be no positive experiences. of course there are plenty of times when those did not come up, and almost certainly times when she was in the wrong but yknow thats not super valuable for reflection stuff.

just to finish off, another narrative i would tell myself is that i was this like very enlightened and dispassionate person that didn't let my emotions factor into anything, but i mean 1) a lot of that just ended up being repression and toxic masculinity lol

and the entire time i had this smug high ground perspective and thought i was better than her, and she was really good at communicating exactly what was important to her and what problems she had with my approach, but without being like judgmental, super super gentle

i don't want to deify her, she is of course not perfect, but i think this important to mention bc i think the narrative i often told myself while we were together was either implicitly or explicitly very degrading and frankly misogynistic.

every time i revisit i just reinforce and reinvigorate my intense respect for her ability to communicate, and am appalled at my interactions with her.

like i mentioned at the end i dont just want to denegrate self and hold up her on pedestal,,, but this was bad bro. like i was very clearly in the wrong here and for a long time. i'm really glad she was able to break this off, particularly for her sake but also for mine.

alright now that my manifesto is complete, just one extra thing that stuck out that i wanna repeat and recenter. i talked down to her a LOT and my apoligies were super super blamey and did not at all adequately address my actions. really really gross.

oop forgot to include travel. yeah i hate that too still, rip

have expectations/desires for more social interaction. that might sound like a basic problem, but the degree to which it impacts me is pretty serious. even activities i would normally enjoy like anime or gaming become a chore with others around, and thats really rreally rough

ultimately not a super big worry, i don't need romantic or partner style relationships to feel fulfilled completely, just something very important to keep in mind when creating relationships, especially bc i def think ill want some relationships

i made a note to myself as i was writing to not just diminish my worth and i think thats important to end on. i have a lot of personal quirks and some of them may be things to spend time investigating and resolving if they are harmful, but

my uniqueness doesn't have to be something i apologize for. i enjoy my individuality! i enjoy who i am! i have strong dispositions and perspectives on lots of personal things that are highly incompatible to most others, but thats okay! i am an ever changing socially enmeshed

being with multiplicity and particularity that can't be reduced or confined. i am beautiful. :)

space very much, and i very much lack interest in interaction.

alright prob way past time to wrap this up. in conclusion, i think ive grown a lot on a ton of different areas, and that feels really good. im not so much interested ultimately in my compatibility with her as much im interested in seeing how ive changed over time.

the areas in which ive improved are good for me regardless of what relationships i have in my life, which is super wonderful imo. there are somethings that ive had minimal movement on, but these are mostly particular things relating to her interests and passions, however

widespread/common/universal these interests might be for many people. ultimately not *too* concerned about this, but still something worthy of consideration. lots of my interests and passions are highly individualistic, so this can make relationships difficult with people who

how horrendous tbh, really tragic. totally not my comfort zone or vibe. if all alone i think things can be super super incredible, like going for a walk at night when no ones around and feeling wind or watching things happen, hell i even feel it walking around downtown

but socially is a big question mark for me, almost always ruins it for me, even if its someone i like. just can't get into the right headspace ig. again coming back to how small of doses i can handle of these type of things before getting burnt out.

ok real last thing: pets :/ sorry i dont think you should kill them but yeah not really a big nonhuman animal guy. also the ethics are weird but im not like hardline, i just have some questions, and it gets weirder if species is hardcore domesticated. idk i can't stand sharing

oh shit theres more whoops. oh god this shit is really bad compatibility wise lmao. starting easy, "active" like walks/gym i think im much much more open to, but am still very skeptical based on how many people are around. less of a workout problem more of a social thing

which brings me to... social (family, friends, going out to do things, spending time in public [ex hw]). yeah idk what to tell you, still super not into this shit. think im much more capable of faking it and my tolerance has increased a bunch, and def anxiety reduction

but for fun? nah. BUT maybe if i had fun person to go with it wouldn't be so bad? haven't really had that since disposition change so who knows, but still doubtful. She also brings up walks and seeing beautiful things like nature and yeah i forgot how much she loved outdoor stuff

so i might have diminished ability, but also have pretty diminished needs. that beings said, diminished ability doesn't exclude me from responsibilities like contributing to collective chores or being respectful and kind interacting, but moreso is about time commitment

this is one reason in particular why multiple relationships is so appealing, so that people can pick up my slack. i dont want the responsibility of having to be the primary and exclusive carer, it feels way too demanding and unhealthy. again, not gail's fault, just sorta a

structural problem for me. BUT i think certain things like being willing to leave my house or go a bit out of my way have shifted a bit, almost certainly not enough to meet the standard, but a bit. overall prob my least improved area and one that i think was very important

to her.