idk i also think part of this that is easy for me to overlook is just how introverted i am. like now that ive been out of a "romantic" relationship commitment i spend A LOT of time alone, and i love that!

buttttt i think when thinking about relationships in the abstract its easy for me to take that recovery time for granted, and overestimate the energy and time i really have for activities with others. not to say that gail was too demanding, like she was so so accommodating

but still i don't think i had enough time to give that she needed, even though she had tons of other relationships, and particularly if im her only "partner". i guess i just struggle to understand acts of service conceptually, maybe if i think about it in terms of mutual aid?

that its something i should grow out of. ofc once i stop being so financially dependent on parents my practices will change and maybe ill feel less weird about it, but in some ways i hope not. im sorta glad i have so much disgust. btw she didnt mention gifts on the list so maybe

this isn't fair to her/ isn't a big deal, but it was definitely a friction point and messed with other things like willingness to do things she found fun like shopping. but that stuff would also be much different bc anxiety shift, even if i had dispositional disgust for

anywayy acts of service i def still suck ass at. partly bc i haven't had any person to really practice w probably, but also bc idk its just weird to me. at the time tho i was def super super selfish and inconsiderate, and not selfish in the self respecting way, more like exploit

BUT there is still a lot of valid critique in there that isnt just that. i def struggled w depression stuff a lot and felt very aimless and sad. i think now i have a bit more strong footing and ive had space and time to construct my grounding for myself. very important w things

like jogging for ex., it felt like it was my choice and my idea, not imposed from elsewhere. i think this one is also hard tho bc she was much more actively seeking out a positive project for fulfillment, where I still am more happy just being content and not really striving

which i think touches on some fundamental differences in values, which ive been able to solidify by reading and learning more. like there are a couple things on the list that are very productivist that ive become very dissolutioned with ("ambition, strong work ethic,

growth mindset"). this could just be difference in wording but idk the repetition seems p important. def relevant to the striving vs content perspective, and also touches on my anti-consumerism/materialism and anti-"success" type things that seemed to drive her often

which brings me to last highlighted thing, love languages of acts of service and gifts: gifts are tricky bc i am still weird with money and reading theory about commodities have not helped. prob the thing i've least "grown" on, but ykow i still have the position so i'm skeptical

i feel like now im way more capable to handle things by myself, and even though i still have anxiety its like fundamentally different. now i think its a lot more in line with most people's feelings of nervousness, whereas before it was like. woah. very impeding on everyday life

I def feel "complete on my own", at least in the sense she means (plenty of individualist crip theory critiques, but i know what its referencing) overall very salient criticism, and something im glad to have grown a lot on since.

next, "strong ambition for life": "excited for things, although not overly, still realistic and practical, but enjoys life and appreciates the things that make it complex", "celebrates life with me :) bc its really cool and fun and should be appreciated"

yeah i think there still might be some mismatch here, but more in how these ideas are instantiated (ex. she might mean ambition for life as going out and hiking and appreciating nature, whereas i could experience the same intense pleasure and appreciation by reading a book)

idk i just feel a lot less angry and righteously indignant, and like ive really developed personality in a different direction. a lot less overconfident in my abilities and knowledge, and much more aware of my reliance on others

idk honestly i think i just sort of discovered empathy? which is weird to say but i feel like it happened. i think i was super fucking logic brain and how fucking awful im so sorry yikes

ok next, independence: "not too reliant on me, do not want to feel like I'm a babysitter", "someone who is complete on their own" i mean can't say it better than that, i def did not live up to those criteria

suuuuper dependent, honestly such a fundamental shift in character after breakup its hard to imagine it. that must have been absolutely draining and was entirely unfair. i was keeping her at arms length often but still demanding so much care

thats my first intuition but i have to fight back against that bc even if you dont need 1 partner to fulfill everything, it can still be nice and cool to connect with your relationships in ways that matter to them*

with that out of the way, ill start w/ respectful: at the time, i was absolutely fucking horrendous at communicating (even worse than i thought yikes) and was super aggressive in convos where i was convinced i was right. super fucking cringe, super fucking gross.

i think ive grown in this way? which is odd to say bc i haven't really had a ton of new interactions but i think this space has really enriched my character in a lot of important ways, even if that seems a little counterintuitive.

not to say that i think we should have stayed together necessarily, there were still some deep issues that would possibly impossible to resolve, but wow i could have communicated so so so so much better and we could have talked about stuff that was actually important

AHHHHHHHH shes trying SO HARD and i am making things SO DIFFICULT??? WHY?>?>?

ok so she made this great list of things that were super important for her that she didn't feel like matched up very well and i wanna go through them (esp the highlighted ones)

*but first i wanna acknowledge change in perspective ive had since about RA stuff. i dont feel the need for everything to be attached to one life partner, so a lot of the things that are *lacking* on the list my solution is just to find other relationships that fill that void,

maybe i was just having a slump or something?? but wow jesus christ what the fuck this is actually really hard to read. shes being super mature and putting a ton of effort in and im like 100% phoning it in jesus. this is the first time i've actually read through

the texts leading up to break up (that i can remember? maybe i did right after?) but yeah yeeeesh this is so fucking shit

at the time i think i was super arrogant and wayyyyy over confident fucking philosophy bro cringelord and wow jesus christ is shows. she was actually communicating so well and i was just all over the place. this is actually super embarrassing.

I don't know why I always feel like developmentally behind her but wow it really shows after giving some space between.

re reading texts between gail and HOLY FUCK I WAS ACTUALLY THE WORST WHAT THE FUCK. SERIOUSLY>>>???????

like i was horrendous at communication and she was actually so fucking patient and the one doing a lot of serious reflection and shit, and i was just constantly missing the point and being a fucking asshole what the fuck

i was kinda cute in hs lol

It’s actually pretty astounding how quickly my I shift from being an anxious mess to feeling confident

Lmfao christians are truly oppressed by roblox censorship

??? These views holy shit. were so fucked

another ex is like she asked what other clubs i was in and i could have said i go to DSA sometimes, but mostly just listen because theyre heavily neokaut marxist influence and im more anarchist. but even saying dsa comes with baggage maybe and explaining further is just

even more of a thing and they wont know or care lol. but still being more vulnerable and transparent helps people feel comfy around you in return, its just hard for me to take that leap first. but ppl like to hear things youre passionate about and otherwise its just zz small talk

they even brought up and mentioned like political shit (CRT and school stuff) so im sure if i leaned into that more id be fine im just really surfing in a weird zone idk and like 80% if not all of it is self imposed. i just dont wanna alienate people but its hard when im unsure

ill be okay, im glad im thinking this through bc now hopefully i can let it be processed and not dwell. i genuinely had good time and it was interesting to hear them talk too. a bit uncomfy experience but its good! def glad i did it and nice opportunity to branch and yeah

its ok to be a bit uneasy, its good to work through and let myself feel emotions instead of trying to suppress and hide away.

;LAKSDJF;LKJ aghghgh now im remembering even more cringe someone was talking about their certificates stuff and comparing w me and brought up global health and i said my ex did that and aghghgh so weird i feel idk maybe not ugh i just hate that in between zone

like w ren i was able to just be giga honest right away and we flowed super well yk but this shit is way too hard irl i cant do small talk stuff bc the stuff i actually care about is like big picture shit!!!

like this applies to all the hypotheticals so far, any policy practice, like so so so much but bro its like so boring not to mention it for me gah idk

if it was smaller group that met more often id be like ya for sure but idk

also fuuuuuck dude i dont wanna seem like know it all cringe smart person bc im not like ughghghg., i wanna say my genuine answers to things like "there are a number of problems with even posing hypotheticals like this" and cite like virtue ethics critiques of particulars

and could bring up how in the initial meeting they talked about trolley problem even though that was literally a critique of what they were doing but gahhhhhh like thats so pretentious and all the shit they find is gonna come in that form and that just feels so fucked.

Oh yeah fuck oh my god wtf I had this moment where I did break through and was extra honest: they were talking about the boy sitting next to me and I said “he had pretty eyes” LOL they rolled with it but I’m pretty sure it was like lolwut rip. Much rather would’ve talked about

Anarchy lol. Update on cool people: Emily, McKenna, Exec I walked home with that I don’t know name of (yikes). Everyone else, I either am ambivalent or dont like (including pretty eyes boy I hated what he had to say)

Potential name after looking at GroupMe: Vila? Can’t tell honestly can’t rememeber face wow great work me lol