Like if I was really honest I know I could have made conversation but it felt like too much (ex she asked for feedback about two options for next meeting and we talked about a policy for assisted suicide one and I wanted to be like “I feel like ethics is really hard to mix with

Policy because it makes a bunch of assumptions about what structures exist (capitalism, the state) and at that point there might not be a truly ethical policy” and that DEF would have started convo but like ?? I feel like wayyy too harsh idk, idk how to balance small talk stuff)

Also hard bc I didn’t know how long we’d be walking (but now I do so next time) so I didn’t wanna like start something yk

Fck anyway lots of anxiety brain cringing but w/e I had good time and it was good practice and challenge

Anyway I was really awkward fucuucjckckck the main exec girl just kept asking me questions (which thank god) but I like never asked any back

I had nice time and they were really cool I was just a little weird I think

Like I was honest it just didn’t flow super well idk :// fun but hard challenge

BUT I did that thing I do where I just stick around after things and people start chatting w me Idk weird thing but it works

And I actually ended up walking home with this group of 4 other girls (oh ya the meeting was super women dominated population) which included Emily and McKenna but the rest were new to me but p sure they were execs

Uhhhhhh fck fck I feel kinda weirddddd gahhhhh awk

Went to bioethics meeting and there were more people this time, I was pretty uncomfy in meeting

Split up into small groups and I got to talk w Emily again which was nice but didn’t really say much, felt kinda uninformed and prob only said like 3 things for the hour

Just wanted to update, think I’ve come out of my slump. Read a book this morn, The Politics of Total Liberation (a good one)

Don’t really feel like diagnosing what went wrong rn, just sorta happy I’m out of it. Would like to revisit DSA drama at some point just to finish my takeaways after some distance, again not really bc it was important to me but just bc proximity and case study of principles

first attempts at making a carrd, p fun to mess around with

also still impacts me a lot a lot today still. prob large part of why im so anxious and unfamiliar with many things in the world, everything seems so complicated and unapproachable

and there was never really this fostering of creativity and questioning of the world that made curiousity seem like a positive thing. instead it was consistently shot down

been looking to earring stuff and i think it would be really cute but also really does not seem like my thing. flesh scary and risk of infection or gross wtf fuck fuck. i know could go to a certified tattoo shop or something but bruh i cant its too much

id have to know a bunch about types of metal and infection and healing and blah blah cant be bothered fuck it not worth scary awful gross

that is very idealistic maybe and maybe even infantilizing/paternalistic like here look at my great ideas they come from a book so it would def depend on how it was carried out but idk thats like a compelling thing for me that i could demonstrate where my ideas are coming from

and be critiqued as to how im living up to them

and i think if the "capability" part is incorporated here then a lot of cool shit can happen. like

the co-determination need non be actualized! but the capability is there which leaves plenty of room for flexible arrangements. that shit is so fucking cool

if i ever had kids and had a disagreement with them I would love to like sit down and explain where I'm getting my ideas from so then they can be like "oh i see where youre coming from but I interpret this concept differently" or like "this framework falls short here" or w/e

but i think like even asking the question fleshes out the structure of the interaction while leaving room for things to be non-hierarchical. like this seems like a co-determined choice

SPEAKING OF WHICH the definition of "the capability to co-determine" as a definition of autonomy is fucking fantastic (from Screw Consent)

this vid was p good overall, obv had some funky stuff too but one cool thing was asking kid "Hey do you wanna do x thing/event?" If yes, "Do you want me to 'force' you to go if you decide you don't feel like it in the moment?" https://youtu.be/Q-tiTTvkHpw

If yes, next morning "Did you like that I 'forced' you to go?" like very interesting way to approach things and the temporality of decision-making definitely depends on what "force" means here, and i dont even think dr k was saying like physically force maybe just extra pressure

feeling really gross and uncomfy rn and i feel like it has a lot of causes and that is frustrating. maybe just restless bc i dont feel like i can do anything, but idk

school work bad and brain is really done. leisure reading is out for same reason. anime/manga really not feeling up to gender stuff or really diving in and enjoying a story. netflix trash ive already filled up on, twitter/youtube make me sad and ive been trying to avoid,

dont feel up to doing chores/cleaning and theres not much to do anyway, video games ive tried to avoid but playing ow rn and its fine enough ig, music meh, eating sucks and ive already done enough, showered and nothing feels better, really just trapped feeling ._.

not feeling social, not feeling up to run, dont feel like grooming or sexy stuff, tried cubing for a bit zz, REALLY dont feel like shopping fuck that, and thats basically an exhuastive list of every activity i do

im so fucking uncomfortable rn i cant rest this fucking sucks

figuring out shopping stuff is fucking terrible i hate it i hate it i hate it booooooo fuck this

specifically making a christmas list for myself i dont want anything leave me aloneenlfkajds;lkfj reeeee

idk i dont really feel up to much, not much brings me joy, i guess im feeling a bit depressed. maybe im just a little more down than normal but idk. i dont really feel like living but dying is too much too. wishing for lack of experience maybe but not the process to get there

this sucks

and when these happen it feels like theres nothing to really look forward to in life like anything i do will just bring me pain and the rest of my existence will just be trying to limit the bad feelings

i dont have anything i really aspire to be and most of the joy i feel is weird and fleeting and just not worth the pain on the other side.

i dont want to think about the problems of the world, i dont want to fight, i dont want to interact, i sometimes think i want to go "home", where home isnt like a place but is more like a content state of mind, but that doesn't last long.

idk if its anxiety or what but i go through these spouts where the thought of human interaction is actually sickening and i just never want to see anyone ever again. its really uncomfortable knowing that ill have to continue on and i desperately want to avoid it

"productivity" hell i fucking hate this shit, I'm so tired of this shit

i tried putting myself out a lot recently and they haven't gone super great

i know i cant judge things just from outcome but its just super draining and frustrating and it feels like for no point

im not even sure why i was doing that. i kinda really just wanna chill rn and im really overwhelmed even tho basically nothing is going on.

going to PA class, talking to PA TA, talking to PA classmates (req), going to philos prof meeting, talking to philos prof, going to PS class, talking to PS classmates (req), ren dm, ryno dm, muz dm, its just all way too much

it really feels like a lot and i just don't feel like i can rest. there is no rest. everything feels like im on the clock. life just keeps moving and i can't stop it.

im really tired w social interaction stuff