Today was the strongest inclinations I’ve had to purge lol I still really want to this fucking sucks I hate myself so much

haha binge binge binge binge binge binge binge hahahahahhahahaha

disgusting fucking ugly i hate myself

Idk why I’m feeling really intense discomfort, it really sucks.

Think it’s a combo of anti social vibes and just really really not feeling like being perceived that way today

Speaking of gender expression, I sure hate mine today :D

"Gender expression is an important part of every person's identity, and it's inborn - not something we choose." from Jacob's New Dress. bruh nah can we stop with this shit how would that even work. ah yes before i was introduced to culturally contingent modes of gender expression

i knew what was right for me lol fuck off. also! its not necessarily important to every person's identity wtfffff stoppppp

listening to the audiobook for start here, start now by liz kleinrock and its mostly really good but fuck man youth liberation again is a huge missing thing i feel. like often its so so so mcuh better than anything else ive read but now were at a section where shes saying things

like "oh its so unfortunate that kids dont tell there parents what theyre doing during class" and like BRUH ??? youre not obligated to communicate with them?? thats so weird dude. and then further talking about going around students and telling parents and its like oh my god what

like what the fuck dude. she literally had to remind the audience about not breaking student rights which are never invoked because theyre so miniscule like dude no dude please what the fuck thats so fucked

finishing prison by any other name, still budget foucault, but has some good recent data, desperately desperately needs youth liberation frame

like lmao this is infuriating

its just too apparent what the target audience is

also like they cite great people talking about the state explicitly but just gloss over it lmao

why are you like this

lmao they keep saying things like "challenging capitalism" or "this problem won't go away until capitalism is destroyed" and then just advocate social democracy

*doesn't mention hierarchy all book and in fact often appeals to hierarchy or violations of hierarchy as injustice multiple times* oh now its a problem guys i wont tell you how tho teehee lmao

spicy lib theory is like: alright what if we throw 20 different theoretical frameworks together that are generally in the same direction what could go wrong?

"ive heard some woke people use this i should too, what do you mean its a problem if i dont understand it?"

Absurd contradictory and rapidly shifting emotional states tn

Why did I go to talk despite feel meh? Enjoy night time city walk? Hyper from good song? Gender shit? Sexuality shit? Feel good about appearance for no reason? But also disgusting about? Unbelievably tired? Idk I hate it

I just wanna have a little break time I feel overwhelmed and sad

“UW Madison recognizes the inherent sovereignty of the Ho-Chunk nation” bruh what I’m so confused how does that work what does that do. I mean good that you talk about colonialism before talks but what materially does that do

90% old white ppl btw

I hate photographers

also idk definition of dissociating exactly but i felt very alienated from my body in class this morning, like looking at my hand and feeling like it was outside me and the sensations like abstracted away from me. ig doesnt help that i read that one anti-civ poetry thing

the other day that was like breaking things down individual parts and sensations. idk how explain and dont have energy

https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/julian-langer-becoming-animal-my-feral-individualism beautiful and interesting writing, political social perspective i disagree but anticiv anarchoindividualists have their shit worked out when it comes to personal fulfillment

8485 purgatory +oakscreen (slowed + reverb) loop loop loop loop yeah i know zoomer depression cope dont care B) https://youtu.be/TS77SOm1yao

days like these are when i really miss having in-person physically intimate relationships :( very comforting to me

Saw someone unironically appeal to leviathan as justification for the state lmao there’s just no way yikes forever

Numb day, oddly enjoyable, everything muted

It’s actually depressing how much of modern feminism is retributive and carceral.

im so fucking tired i think im gonna skip class. no sleep, no food, exercised in the rain 2nd day in a row, intellectually burned out from grinding weekend and trying to also keep up personal interests :(

holy fuck i forgot how frustrating and uncomfortable makeup makes me lmfao. every time i try its like FUCK NO OH GOD THEY DID THAT??/ HOW DOES THAT WORK??? HOW CAN YOUR EYES JUST BE OKAY WITH THAT

fuck its so pretty but its so so scary lol

every time im like this will be cool and fun! and then 45 mins later i feel like im gonna throw up and put it away again so sad

also i should prob look more into dysphoria stuff? idk if thered be any use tho bc i dont think id want to do hrt despite thinking about it plenty, for one thing i dont want booba (at least permanently lol, see recent tweets) but yeah idk i think im mostly ok with my body

or at least i dont think hrt would help me be more ok with my body. I could have social gender dysphoria and not physical? (even tho i sometimes do feel physical ig) but i have a feeling that it ultimately all leads back to social and how im perceived

so idk whatever maybe not worth it to think about, i think ultimately its just one of those things ill have to live in discomfort about and exist in this uncomfortable space with no grounding bc i dont think it exists

which i hope doesn't lead to me to eventually just be like fuck it im cis its easier that way to try and avoid it bc i think its an important disposition to have and i think my experiences are important idk thats it

so its possible theyre conflating or im conflating the critiques but i think theres a distinction to be made. also to be clear I could probably search for the exact right xenogender stuff for me bc i dont see any point and am quite disillusioned about personal authenticity

but i think thats pretty rare for most people and is an undue burden for most ppl trying to figure out their shit in a gendered world. not to mention that also contributes to my personal and ashamed nature about the topic, bc i dont use labels and dont even like pronouns,

my experience is entirely alien to people and i have no way of simply communicating how i feel. so i can absolutely sympathize with people being like hey this is a way i can conceptualize myself in a world where thats basically required to communicate and exist

like ultimately im super charitable to gender abolition but like bruh if you only invoke that type of thinking when xenogender / nbs are speaking up then?? lmao wtf. if you genuinely are upset by that, then you should be just as mad (if not more!) at cis people practicing their

gender. I get that you might be concerned with the praxis of xenogender stuff but idk

also i think this is hard bc theyre kinda talking about public people doing this and my personal experience i actually feel pretty ashamed of my gender stuff and it feels intensely personal and embarrassing and vulnerable so i dont have that impulse at all

oh to be clear i think the critique of the therapeutic society and stuff is totally spot on and that its not like materially politically relevant, and also that endlessly differentiating the self in order to find "authenticity" is a lost cause, there are just a few points

where I think theres a little bit of ignorance and inexperience with ppl like me (not cis ig but not strongly associating with a label, potentially experiencing gender dysphoria?? [lmao i didnt realize some of the stuff ive been describing has counted as dysphoria, idk what to do