Long term life goals throughout, but this was meant to be a certain kind of way to understand the relationship, which is obv simplified. Also, I left out how my parents pressured and influenced the relationship a lot (especially around sex), which I should revisit at some point

That I wanted to replace it with. Not only that, but over time I also wanted less to do with her. Our time together wasn’t very fun for me I don’t think, activities wise. And with no high school, I didn’t need an everyday companion, I didn’t need anyone to talk with

I had myself, and that just sort of worked. Obviously we still kept in contact and would see each other, but it wasn’t the same. We weren’t having sex anymore, or at least not consistently. I think the relationship was transactional in a lot of ways for me. In some ways I think

That’s okay though. Like if I realized what I liked or didn’t, or what I didn’t need anymore, that’s fine. The only problem is that didn’t leave anything left for her, and she needed more. And why would I do so much extra for her? I wouldn’t get anything out of it, and it’s not

Early on with our friend group we would hang out together, and I’m not really sure how that dynamic played out. I bet I was super cringey and weird. I don’t exactly remember how I felt about these sessions, but I think some parts I remember fondly,like the freedom of going places

In a car. But overall I think I disliked them, and would have just preferred to spend time with just gail. Which is pretty funny considering we didn’t do anything really. I must have been so insufferable.

I’ve deemed far off my original script of roles huh? Idk basically I just think that over time for a multitude of various reasons, I became less dependent on her. And this could have been fine, and could have been an opportunity for growth, but I didn’t really have anything

However, I think the context of school made hanging out feel more approachable and simple. Her driving me home for us to spend time together was simple and easy. Later on, specific effort to hang out must have been made, and it wasn’t (at least on my part)

How we spent our time together was another thing. Long ago I think I just... made her watch me play Overwatch?? Which is super weird and rude lol. I guess it was just one of my only passions, and I didn’t know what else to do. Over time I would have her play, and then she would

Want to play other games. I hated that lol. I don’t know why, I just hated that so much. It wasn’t fun and I was really bored, but she enjoyed herself more and I didn’t get that. I suppose that’s pretty similar for our general interests as well.

Sexual environments and I think those were responsible. I’m not sure if it was a drastic or gradual shift, but eventually, we basically stopped having sex. I know this happened at least in college, and it’s possible before that as well. Maybe after our other break it was odd.

Regardless, she ended up feeling not good about sex, probably due to how poorly it was handled earlier. Sexuality used to be a very important part of our relationship I think, and eventually it withered into nothing. (Which obviously I am and was okay with, just finishing roles)

When we went to high school together, we kept each other company in classes, before school, and at lunch. With the structure of school gone, this regular interaction fell, and that friendship component was no longer used.

Our position with hanging out and communication was always tenuous, mostly due to my fault, so I don’t think that changed much over the years. A surprisingly steady part of the relationship.

Sex is an area worth bringing up I think. We started doing sexual things and I think I was often playing either the role of the initiator or the person to convince it would be fine. Which is really really gross looking back. I suppose I was young but still

I think it was largely a part of the environment, my parents house. It was worrying for her and it felt like she would play the role of being overly cautious. Unfortunately I think the way my brain understood the dynamic was that both of us wanted to be sexual, and we both played

A part in the negotiation. It’s definitely not ideal consensually. I don’t want to give the wrong idea, it’s not like I raped her. To some extent the story I told above was true, we both did want it, but she was rightfully worried about the environment.

We continued having sex even during a break, which I think was very weird and like quasi-dating. I wish I could remember more, but I don’t think that was very smart. Our communication around sex I think was always very poor in the moment, but I think we tried to talk outside of

For starters, I think we were friends for some time. I’m a little confused how the relationship started, but at some point she began to fill the role of a parent. A lot of this had to do with my mental health. She would even communicate with my parents and relay what was going on

With me when I wouldn’t talk with them about my issues. She offered emotional support and performed a lot of parental functions like comforting, organizing, guidance, and even problem solving things with my social anxiety. It was an odd dynamic with her putting a lot of work in

Some parts of this faded away with my personal development, but a lot of my progress took a long time. For instance, my social anxiety lasted far beyond the main part of my eating disorder. Eventually, these became mostly irrelevant parts of my life and her role

I think a good way to understand the evolution of the relationship is to look at the different functions and roles it served for us, and how they slowly withered away and got replaced.

Even know what questions to ask. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty of my past. I want to apologize and make up for it, and I want my best friend back. I also want to be able to grieve for my loss properly, but I’m confused and blaming myself is simpler.

This is as much as Twitter will let me send, and probably about all I have to say. I’m tired and there is a large gap in my life now. Things can be so bland. I hope I have the ability to move on with life in a healthy and productive way, even if I don’t know what that means yet.

In return. She was incredibly flexible with me, to a fault I think. This is why I use the phrase “she freed herself”. I think I kept her trapped for a long time and I was too busy being content with my situation to care.

I’m happy she’s free. I want her to feel fulfilled, I think she deserves it. I don’t like using the word “deserve” but it feels right here. After reflecting on the relationship, the amount of pain and effort put in almost demands some karmic justice.

I don’t want to blame myself for everything here, but it is difficult not to have a negative attitude towards my participation in the relationship. I feel like such a loser and I want to talk to her so she can explain how I’m not. Partially to be comforted, but also to understand

This is all very difficult to think about, and I’m feeling things I don’t often feel. I wish I had her here to make sense of my thoughts, but I know there is no such thing as true closure. It all feels too sudden, like showing up to office hours but not being prepared enough to

This year was maybe the most bazaar but also maybe the most normal. We both moved in downtown, but rarely saw one another. We would text and update every day, and I enjoyed that a lot. Some days it felt like a burden, but overall it was nice to feel heard,understood,and cared for

It was at this point I think it was most clear that she was unfulfilled. We were so close to one another, but rarely shared our time and never did anything she truly wanted to do. Any interaction must have felt forced out of me.

I think it’s for this reason I question her devotion to me for so long. I know she loved me, but why? I never had much to begin with and it only got worse over the years. There were plenty of things I enjoyed about her, and she allowed me to engage, but without demanding anything

College years were better, but very peculiar. My transition to college was odd, and I don’t remember how much we really talked or hung out then. I remember she put a lot of importance around maintaining that, but as usual I’m sure I under-delivered.

We existed in different worlds, and it only got further distant when she started. I think we got better about things by her second semester but it was not easy. We took a break and there was a lot of struggle to find how we fit and what to make of us.

Covid happened and I’m sure we spent time together, but I honestly don’t remember that time well at all.

She obviously wasn’t perfect either, but her improvement just outpaced my ability to describe my distaste for any action. I was always the one to cause dramatic issues and to take advantage of, even if I didn’t see it that way at the time.

High school overall was a confusing mess, and I didn’t understand myself much less a relationship. Trying to come to terms with any behavior from this time seems like it’s doomed for failure. I don’t want to downplay it’s role in shaping the relationship though.

A lot of bad things happened then that staged things for the future.

Honestly I don’t think things would have ended until she took the leap. She was too important to me to just let go on my own. I’m glad she could free herself. I know that can’t be a healthy way to look at things but thinking back on the history of it all it seems appropriate.

I don’t think I reciprocated the value I got. And obviously that’s alright, it’s never going to be perfect, but she really poured her heart and soul into the relationship at times, when I rarely if ever did. Definitely somewhat a product of gender roles I think.

She was always the one to “love more” whatever that means, but I’m not entirely sure what she saw in me. Not as in like “I’m worthless” type of way but like I’m not sure what she was getting out of the relationship. I know she loved me but why.

I wasn’t resourceful or useful or kind, interesting or passionate or creative. For the longest time I was a fucked up combination of unearned self importance and simultaneous mental health issues that made me difficult to deal with. I was annoying and hurtful, moody and anxious

Lacked respect and empathy. I caused her a lot of emotional turmoil. Im not sure if I just was a worse partner, she was more emotional, I repressed my feelings, over never had them in the first place, but I definitely feel like there was a disparity between who was in pain more.

I’m not sure what to make of that. I’m not sure what my goal should be right now. For some reason I’m intensely concerned with her perception of the relationship. I suppose I’m looking for understanding or forgiveness for the pain I caused. I don’t know if that’s very healthy.

I want to be able to address my shortcomings but I don’t want to dwell on them. But what if my shortcomings are so glaring and numerous that they deserve dwelling on? I enjoyed having such a close partnership and it would be nice to have something like that again I think.

I want to improve going forward, but I feel that thoughts like those are distracting from the more difficult confrontation of my previous relationship and how to engage with it. I deeply appreciate the opportunity I had to grow and the support I received along the way.

I want to text her so bad right now. I miss talking to her. I feel like I’ve lost an incredible companion and partner. I feel like “I’m willing to make the sacrifices to make it work”, but I know that’s not true, and I know that’s not what it would take to fix things. It’s over.

I have a hard time focusing on the pain I’m feeling. In a way I feel undeserving of mourning. I was a toxic partner for a long time in a lot of ways, probably until the very end. I’ve made progress in a lot of ways over the years in terms of communication and maturity, but often

also i still am pretty confused by emotions in general, how/what/why are they, what should i do about it. im explicitly trying to embrace emotions to be healthy, but I don't know how to understand them or what to do

hard to figure out if the cause of events: since we broke up my sleep schedule has been off, my eating has been rough (weird using food as comfort or being entirely disgusted by it/myself), deep apathy, mild depression,

lol I'm in the stage where anything that reminds me of her brings instinctual pain, not even thinking about the specific instance. Very wary of that tho, classic thing with anxiety that just makes you anxious about the anxiety. need to allow myself to feel and engage, not avoid