like i needed to know history, geography, labels, etc a LOT better and talk with her about it. fuck man :( not gonna beat myself up too much i guess but just goes to show i was kinda not there in the way she needed me, idk just very frustrated atm

and i could get some vibes? of things? but thats not good enough. like the Philippines arent always considered in the pacific islands, and not in the area of polynesia either? i could be misinformed still but like wtf

like she referenced herself as multiple phrases previously and definitely identified with certain representations, and i honestly don't know how informed or interested she was in any of it or how she used labels. but thats the whole issue lol - like how can't you know

whether it be to refer to her in a way that is respectful or to have a deeper conversation about that stuff, idk it just feels important. and im aware that shes grown up her entire life in america its not like theres some personal experiences in the actual land, its more culture

obviously food, family, culture, so many different things influenced. and maybe the geography and labels aren't that important, and i got a general picture of things, but i largely avoided it tbh. idk just sorta dissapointing.

fuck man, i just learned that i was like fundamentally misinformed about the pacific islands and the groups that make it up, and also that i had like no knowledge whatsoever basically. thats actually really shitty.

we were together for 4.5 years and i didnt take the 2 seconds to do any research at all. we never really talked about it and it was absolutely my fault. its not her responsibility to inform me and that lack of communication is just really pathetic on my end

Oh my god lol, I hadn’t been masturbating too much for a while, and recently felt more often in the mood. Apparently there’s a link between vitamin d levels and testosterone?? If that’s causal thats very funny timing with me starting supplements, otherwise just coincidence.

THIS CLASS SO FCKING COOL! I maybe talk too much o.o

Only like 7 person class and we just chat about conservative political theory so cool so cool

Oh yeah tomorrow I start my 2nd summer course, we’ll see how overwhelmed I get. GL we’ll see

for a bit. I brought things with me in my backpack in case I wanted to read or play with a cube but nope, just felt like watching people or looking at scenery. when I felt like it, I walked home.

That's the first time in months that I've left my apartment by myself, and only the third/fourth time since I've moved in lol. And I don't wanna play this up too much bc its not like i was WOW IM ENJOYING THIS, it was just nice and fine. Like often going out feels like a waste

of time and energy but it wasn't like that, it was just fine. I was tired when I got home, but I took the space to relax, it was nice.Nothing groundbreaking, just nice. And I think for me that's a lot better, I spend most of my time and enjoyment in things that are just fine/nice

So this gives me good reason to think its sustainable and good and fine to do, not like some wild one off thing that im just randomly entranced with.

Also, a funny realization I had was that I had been taking vitamin D supplements consistently for a bit, but recently sorta stopped/became pretty inconsistent. It would be funny if my desire to go out was my body just craving sunlight for more vitamins lol

went for a walk today, not entirely sure why, just felt like it. enjoyed it. I think a big part of me "growing up" is me coming to learn that I can enjoy things I thought I couldn't/didn't, and that most of my dislike came from me doing things on other people's terms.

If I have complete autonomy over my choices, many things can be enjoyable. I may struggle to recognize instances and opportunities at first, because of their unfamiliar nature. Not to mention, often I feel like I didn't enjoy things because of who I was with, or the fact that

I was with anyone at all. Not necessarily personal, I just enjoy time with myself, even in doing things most people would do socially. Like this walk around took a long time, and was less of a walk and was more of travelling to various places, sitting down, and taking things in

i miss her around, she was fun and nice

face makes it so much worse for some reason lol, my heart hurts a bit

no wishes, just a little hurt right now, brain wants to rationalize and search for solution or how i should think about, but ive kinda already done that, sometimes just have to feel it out

looked at pics of her again, ouchie

hair cut :( i liked length in front

My goal is to respect her needs in this, as I think that’s more important than what I’d get out. I won’t lie I’ve fantasized a bunch of times about what and how I’d message her, but now I just don’t think that’s right.

I might **might** message just to say like I’m down to talk if you want, but be clear that there are no expectations, even to reply. Like I wouldn’t want her to think I was avoiding/frustrated/arrogant. I haven’t decided, but her feelings and consent are the most important here.

Missing or wanting to catch up, even if not in a way that would not imply a more serious life partnership. I think it’s only fair for her to have that ability to talk when she’s ready, and if she never decides she wants to, that’s alright too.

Would I personally want to talk before then? Yeah absolutely she was my best friend for years and theres so much already id love to talk with her about, but I don’t think that’s my place honestly.

I’ve thought about this for a bit and I think I’ve decided that I won’t be contacting Gail first, even after the break time we’ve set is up. This space is a lot more for her than me, and I need to respect that. It would be selfish for me to message her out of me

oh and i also feel the emphasize how much consumerism sucks and how I don't like buying anything. Feels like complicity in their behavior but also powerless enough to not do anything. just disappointing and frustrating

not to mention how badly consumerism defines some people's lives and that just really blows.

I'm sure the metaphysics of all this blah blah blah implications blah idc I'm just tired of being subjected to this and that I never consented to this and that true informed consent could never be possible. I'm annoyed that I seem to be the only one who cares about this.

That being said, I know there are some anarchists who have written about this stuff. I know some of the things I talked about might sound like anti-natalist or depressed talking points but yeah idk. Stuff like this just strengthens my affinity for anarchist analysis, it seems

as if they are the only ones who write or think about these issues. I'm so tired.

oh yeah and another thing i forgot to mention is that I hate applying an identity to myself like even labels like agender or pansexual are sort of like I guess they literally apply? but I think that language like that is super limiting on my self conception.

yeah that applies to things like pronouns too like I hate having pronouns or having to choose, but then I also have to deal with interacting with others and pronouns are an important part of that. idk just really annoying

oh yeah and also things like my voice, i have very little control over what I sound like and its the primary means of communication, and thats just really meh. I could do voice training but there are limits and not a true option to opt out, plus that would take extra effort

and time. Don't even get me started on time and energy and all that. Idk scarcity is the primary evil of the world in so many ways. fuck that shit

I just find it so deeply unfortunate that my existence must be paired with the limitations of scarcity, my body, being influenced by others and forcing my will upon others. Existence is constitutively coercive, and that's trash. I hate that I was "raised" by parents.

I hate that I am expected to write essays with my opinions, I am forever uninformed enough to make decisions properly, and the consequences of not making decisions are disastrous. I hate my consumption of anything: food, space, attention. I think people are all too quick to write

off these things as "just the way the world works" rather than truly dwelling on an importantly oppressive feature of existence. While I understand that whining about that stuff won't do anything, I think its important to recognize.

That way we can better realize that we sentient beings are all struggling against the forces that have been thrust upon us. This lack of solidarity really sucks. :/ Honestly not even having the option to pop in and out of existence sucks too. What if I just want a break?

I've known this for a while but I don't think I've written it down or distinctly thought about it, but I think I just hate the idea of interacting with the world. I don't know how to really put this in words.

I don't like putting myself out there, making a difference, asserting myself. I would rather be a passive observer in everything I do, I don't want to impact anyone else, and I often find the impact of others on me to be intrusive. Additionally, I also hate the limits that are

put on me by the world. I hate being confined to a body, I hate requiring food, shelter, money, work. I struggle to truly enjoy anything other than pure experience of thought. I don't know how to unpack this stuff to be honest.

Regardless of anything, I hope she’s well and can enjoy her summer, I hope work isn’t too much. There are a lot of things I hope for her actually, like that things are going well with her mental health things and her roommate, idk

Weird to have so much knowledge suddenly become inapplicable. I miss her lots, but in a much different way than before. I wish people were more okay with more openish relationships, I would love to just chat and keep up with her and cuddle, and then she could have the more

“Boyfriend” style person she wants. Sucks it has to be all or nothing. I hope she finds what she needs though, despite my frustrations I’m glad she asserted herself that she needed out. I’m not too worried about her though, she’s very dedicated and motivated and intelligent,

She’ll be successful in her career, and given how charismatic and kind she is I’m sure she’ll find someone that will work well as a more reliable life partner.

Maybe I just don’t understand relationships lmao. Also totally possible she’s doing fine and just meeting with my mom would be weird for her, which is fine, but my mom implied and maybe even said there was more to it. Idk didn’t dwell on it