i'm not sure if i should be more surprised about the relative share of development attention that strongholds received a dozen years ago or the fact that they haven't been significantly touched since then.

minus a few QoL improvements, 1.0.0 is superior in basically every way to modern minecraft. the atmosphere, the cave generation, the pace of progression. rather than being a checklist to end game and a dash between structures, the shortcut-less empty world is a true sandbox.

it's very possible i'm just boomer-posting and i wouldn't have such a glowing review if i wasn't revisiting an important era of my childhood, but these aren't exactly unique observations either. the game is incredibly more rudimentary, and yet has unbelievably more depth. performs nice too lol.

the scarce food options make you actually focus on it instead of picking up a few village hay bales or shipwreck cod. the danger feels more significant because you're undergeared. my most delusional take is that double w sprint is best because it's unwieldy enough to make encounters non-trivial,

but still keeps sprint in the game so its not as inconvenient. lack of travel in general is important - you're limited and will likely stick close to spawn, slowly exploring the world and appreciating its uniqueness. biomes aren't just the space in between loot chests, the environment is the point.

it's the era of top 10 seed videos instead of over-saturated and repetitive 100 days challenges. sure, part of that is just youtube alg changing. but part of that is the way people engage with the game, and the way the game lends itself to being engaged with.

russian is such a goofy language /pos

I like my relationships how I like my politics: all theory, no practice

Given how infrequently I voluntarily interact with others, I spend an inordinate amount of time contemplating their significance

I only use shampoo like once a month and my hair is still really dry. Directly applying something like argon oil is too greasy tho. Maybe I need to take shorter/colder showers?

Guy who struggles to make it through a single anime cour over the course of multiple weeks but then rewatches 3 seasons of House in an afternoon (me)

my rejection of legibly cognizable relationships can be a crutch that enables cowardice and passivity. despite my ability to be straightforward in other areas, asserting myself and thereby risking imposition and non-reciprocation makes me fearful and meek.

i'm fine being vulnerable, its just that there is so much amatonormative baggage that comes along with a confession of anything resembling romance, and it feels like such a massive leap that irrevocably causes a rift in the relationship, regardless of how the message is received

as a result it feels safer to express my deep feelings of care while obfuscating the exact nature of the feelings. while the above is all true, it's also a bit copium. i meant when i said that i am cowardly; though I suppose a nicer way to put it is unpracticed, unsure, inexperienced, or insecure.

if i'm going to externalize the locus of control once more, i feel i lack the vocabulary to communicate how i feel about others. undoubtedly this is due to personal failings of mine: lack of imagination, weak lexical ability, ignorant of discursive techniques, etc.

but i also feel i lack the appropriate culture to cultivate such skills. maybe if i was better as seeking them out, or more sociable, i could come enrich myself. but even so, its extremely unlikely anyone i come into contact with would be amenable to my basic tenets.

but thats jumping the gun a fair bit, and it would be disingenuous to attribute that as the primary issue. the most apparent problems are clearly my social ineptitude, extensive criteria for interest, instability and unreliability, and frankly my rather boring personality and interests.

i've gotten rather off-track, but to return to the main impetus: it would be advisable for me to not allow myself to indulge in ambiguity to avoid expressing certain emotions, even if they are ultimately indeterminate and my communication is less than perfect.

there is no such thing as determinacy in this domain. expressing oneself is a good action to remind oneself of this fact and loosens the anxiety of perfection. more practice communicating one's messy emotions improves one's ability to do so, even if the whole endeavor is flawed at the outset.

of course there are risks with this as well, and i am apprehensive about too quickly articulating the knot of emotions within me for risk of unduly funneling their development - but it's not as if the alternative actions are neutral either. inaction is action.

i'm not even sure why i'm thinking about this right now lol. this is mostly coming from reflecting about my past, not any contemporary inciting incident.

i should add that the above analysis is overly fatalistic, and that in my experience people have actually been far more open, interested and amenable to alternative amorous approaches than i would expect. chock it up to selection bias or my irresistible charm, but there's no need to be so reluctant.

‘Sideloading’ apps has been the greatest improvement to the usage of my Apple products, but how painful they make it is wild. Hopefully I’ll switch to android next chance I get, but I don’t anticipate that being for a while. Refreshing my 2 allowed apps once a week until then lol.

oliSUNvia is so fun to hate watch and get triggered by. it's interesting sociologically to see what type of pop philosophy is in vogue and to see her adapting academic materials to her generation's context, but philosophically its just frustratingly poor lol.

pls dear god there is just no thesis statement either, its just a thousand quotes on a random assortment of topics to support a progressive (derogatory) worldview. and yeah absolutely politics and history, super relevant to ethics - but if you have no idea what you're talking about pls don't bother

hasan x h3 is so funny bc its just larping socdem vs honest socdem. i hate zoomer bernie brocialism lmfao

It’s very funny how I’ll hate the feeling of having a body and feel disgusting all the time, and then I’ll look in the mirror and be like “oh, cute!” Because of the former I’m quite disinclined to actually do the latter by anything other than accident.

Seeing my reflection doesn’t really help alleviate the feeling though, it doesn’t really feel like “me”. Even if it was me, why should my external appearance help the phenomenology of being me? I guess good to distinguish between dysmorphia proper and the disgust of having a body.

Also it only works in low light, where I can’t get a too detailed and critical view.

I deeply dislike the feeling of food in my stomach. It’s such a relief when I’m empty.

I mostly talked about categoricity here. Gradation is one of the ways it is undermined, but is distinct and not the opposite pole.

I bounce between states of being so frequently that “episode” feels more appropriate than “arc” or “season”. I’m don’t think I’m enjoying the current episode very much.

I do think it’s interesting that while arc is pretty uniquely online-anime-culture inspired, season and episode are not when it comes to describing distinct periods of variation in mood. “I’m in my girlboss arc” vs “depressive episode” and “she entered a season of contentment”.

Though it can be helpful to use the metaphors that come with conceptualizing one’s life as a narrative, there are pretty significant drawbacks to the approach, and incorporating a variety of metaphors can be more enlightening.

My mom is neurotically concerned with whether or not I love her, and I don’t really know what to do with that. “Love” is treated categorically, and without gradation or context. Constantly be called to account for my love (or lack) disinclines me to answer favorably.

I don’t exactly enjoy your company if that’s what you’re asking. I appreciate the favors you do for me, but I don’t think you respect me very much and haven’t reflected much (or expressed interest in reflecting) about your performance as a parent and the hurt you caused.

We don’t have a great relationship, I’m not sure why you think me flatly and dryly acquiescing to saying “I love you” will fix anything.

Of course, this is partly me taking pleasure in the fact that I have something you can’t have and can’t control. Given my past of problematic applications of this desire for control, it’s fair to be a bit skeptical. But I don’t think that means I automatically have to do the opposite either.

To be more clear about “gradation and context”: the love in a casual reciprocal “love you too” is contextually (qualitatively?) different than the love expressed during a feeling of deep admiration, an appreciative response to laughter, or an intimate embrace.

This by no means implies one can give an exhaustive taxonomical account of all the various ways in which love can be deployed and affirmed.

As for gradation: I’m not sure if I can say I love anyone in the abstract. I love certain features of people, I proclaim love for people in certain contexts provided the right conditions, but it’s not at all clear that I could produce a list of those I love, even if capturing a temporal instant.

Point being: There is no categorical love to be in or outside of, there are a series of expressions with differential force and significance whose conditions are contextual all the way down.

TL;DR: Love is a lovely metaphor, a delightful language game, and mummifying the word is bad enough philosophically. Politically, in this case, it is being used to demand approval and appeasement in the service of easing the psychological unrest of the guilty conscience of an oppressor.

*installs blackout curtains throughout my apartment* *turns off all the lights* “Ahhh, peace at last” *pulls out my phone flashlight to navigate because I can’t see shit*

One of these days someone will call me out for talking to myself while I’m having an anxiety attack and it’ll be fun to see what destructive emotions result from that

shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup

If I don’t vacuum at least once a week, a carpet of my hair accumulates on the floor

I should probably make a second account for personal use, but manually migrating mid-5-figures worth of videos in playlists over would be such a pain