I actually can't comprehend how people will work more than the essentials just to do shit like vacation or kids or some shit. like i understand you like that stuff but how is the opportunity cost worth that shit what the fuck.

bummed :/ numb :/ emotions suppressed :/ food is wack :/

last 3 days have been miserable - calories having candy around sucks :( fucks with my shit so hard, no nutrients, all the cals

It’s a time sink and feels ridiculous to work for scraps now even though after my degree I’ll likely be earning far more. I don’t buy the shit about it improving me as a person, it’s just teaching me to be a lapdog for authority.

It would be good for me socially, like forcing me outside, but I could do that in a number of ways that don’t involve me being a wage slave.

I have submitted a number of applications and stuff, but it just sucks idk. It’s embarrassing and humiliating and dehumanizing to sell myself like that. I really dislike that shit.

That being said, it sucks that my mom has to tutor for extra money for me. They’re well off and capable it’s just like really shit. I hate that this is what I have to look forward to in life.

I have a lot more feelings about this but nothing more to say rn ig.

I don’t know what to do about work. Not like long term, although that is undoubtably a challenge too. My mom wants me to get a job and help pay for my apartment. I really enjoy having large amounts of free time, and I also enjoy feeling competent in classes.

Working is daunting, and gross, and very uncomfortable. Clearly this is coming from a place a privilege where working is an option, but my preference would be for everyone to have that freedom. In my eyes I’m being spared an injustice that most people have to face.

At its best I felt understood and cared for. At its worst it was a nuisance and induced self consciousness (in the bad way). I’m trying to be fair and balanced in my description not to be rosy retrospection. I may be overly equivocating, obv the benefits were better,

Otherwise I wouldn’t have stuck around. And I think it’s reasonable to miss the nice parts without necessarily missing everything or even wanting it back.

Even though I was aware of it while in the relationship, the extent to which I relied on Gail for a lot of various things hits hard when it’s gone. Despite sometimes being annoying, it was nice to be able to talk someone about my day, even if nothing really happened.

It definitely had its drawbacks, like me questioning my every move at times and monitoring my behavior because I knew I would have to justify it. That sucked. But talking through even mild challenges was nice to decompress and feel supported and like someone was interest.

Here I quickly progressed through multiple stages of relapse, and now I am coming back around to normal(ish) (fingers crossed). Being forced to problem solve by myself is certainly interesting, and I definitely solve things more quickly on my own.

The attention and support and care is nice, but being forced to figure shit out on my own is certainly effective, at least for smaller stuff like this I suppose.

also idk why but im a little over the heavy restricting. i am glad about where my weight is at rn, though id like it to be a little lower (straddling the line between underweight and normal would be 🤤). The 1500 was too little I think tho. As I mentioned before I was having

lots of side effects and I couldn't focus. So I changed my app to be losing 1/2 lb per week rather than 1 lb, but I think my metabolism is hosed anyway. Its been through a lot so I feel like it just adapts really quickly now to changes in how much food. I think just the tracking

itself is useful and nice though, so I'll keep doing that. And weighing myself every week I'll continue as well. I think I'll be able to remain feeling in control without killing myself, which seems like a fair balance.

internal conflict like this is weird without the audience. Maybe I've just matured but I wouldn't give myself that much credit. I think I enjoyed the attention or at least other people perceiving me as having some sort of issue, regardless of what that was like.

else's profit. It's not fair of me to take advantage of someone else merely because the surrounding systems suck. Or maybe it is, idk, ethics is hard. Regardless I know it wouldn't work for her, so it won't work at all.

I hope I can figure out something soon. I'm scared, and I don't know what to do.

making personal sacrifices for her is the easiest thing to do. sure, I won't enjoy it as much as her and maybe not as much as she'd like me to, but I won't be miserable.

And now I suppose I have to think about this from her perspective. Would she be interested in a relationship like that? I mean she would definitely want me to have a job, but would probably be pretty flexible with me, and I could make it up by doing the bills and housework

Going on trips and adventures and things would be frustrating probably, and because I sort of lack the genuine interest that would lose the magic that she feels in them. I could force myself, and I could act like whatever, but that shines through and isn't sustainable.

I don't know, maybe it would be possible, but I think she would remain unfulfilled. And I think I would probably be unfulfilled as well. Instead of selling out, I would be profiting off of a synthetic relationship out of fear of life.

She is protective and safe and I have a bad habit of really playing it safe in life. But I also have a bad habit of not taking on the responsibilities that the current paradigm offers. Even if it's shit and cruel and oppressive, at some point I will have to sell out for someone

I fear that I will either be miserable with my work or find nothing sufficient and end up barely scraping by with shitty jobs or something. The fear is very intense and thinking about it makes me want the security back. I would trade a lot to have that security back in my life.

My initial emotions when thinking about this was to say fuck it and do whatever things Gail wanted from me to stay. Who cares at that point, if the alternative is between being miserable for the rest of my life and being financially insecure. Its not like the tradeoff is that bad

I would just have to do things with her that she was interested and passionate about, and remember to get her cute gifts and to communicate often. Honestly that stuff is totally acceptable and enjoyable. I think the only reason why I was struggling to do that in our relationship

was that the alternative was just taking time for myself and having that personal freedom and time to think and explore myself. That's my favorite activity in the world, so I'll obviously choose that. But if the alternative is selling out my values and long term stability,

Fuck. thinking about long term stuff makes me like incredibly nervous for the future. I am really struggling to find something that would fit my values, if I could even fully nail them down. The main thing tho is that i feel no security.

Everything is up in the air, especially without Gail being around. Like before I had the reassurance that she would have good stable job prospects and that I had flexibility with my options. Now I feel really constrained and really fearful about the future.

I miss having Gail's perspective on things. I feel really isolated now when I'm unsure about the world. I can turn to my parents, but they have mislead me before and have too limited of a perspective. Someone my age with the relevant understanding of what is required and normal

was very useful and comforting, even when the advice provided was not comforting and instead challenging. At least then I had a standard to approach, now I know that I am lacking but am unsure about in what ways. It's a broad anxiety that everything I'm doing is incorrect.

I'm not sure how to fix it without having more friends or resources, and that sucks.

“My brain may not be working properly and I have no energy or focus and I’m dizzy all the time but soon I will be happy with how I look,” he lied.

Yet I will do it anyway! Let’s gooo. Just for a widdle bit I won’t let it get out of control, I say, getting once again addicted to the feeling of not eating enough. The funny part is I actually feel okay with how my body looks for the most part, at least with clothes on.

Also I don’t really care too much how I appear to others, idk my brain is just a large set of contradictory emotions. Control control control control I guess. I was surprisingly light for not (really) intentionally restricting.

I felt as if my concerns were pretty petty, and I didn't even really need her to change much. But clearly that can cause of a lot of problems, especially if people are on different pages. And I think a lot of my lack of communication caused the large issues in our relationship

Like the multiple mini breakups or any time I would let something bothering me fester until I blew up. I definitely need to learn how to speak up for myself even, no especially, when it is minor. Otherwise I let it go and passively let it happen.

I hope I learn the right lessons from our time together, and I hope she can continue to grow as well.

And I have previously said that most of the issues were my fault, which is probably true, but I also think I oversold it a bit. As in my personality and preferences lend themselves much less to the traditional expectations for a partner in a relationship, much less a "boyfriend"

I don't want to excuse my behavior too much though. Clearly I grew a lot during the period we were together, and a lot of that growth was probably more painful to her than to me. Then again, I was fairly forgiving and lenient with her problematic behavior for the most part,

which is not necessarily a good thing but I definitely didn't demand much out of her for the most part. Not that demanding is bad, its very very normalized in romantic relationships in our society and relationship anarchism is far away from that norm.

Not that I necessarily am on board with all of the implications of RA, but I definitely had a lot of similar behavior in my relationships. Still though, even with RA communication is vitally important, and I dropped the ball on that with my concerns, probably partly because

And its interesting, I've been thinking less and less about dating others as well. Not that I was ever considering that in anywhere near the short term, but I think that's just sort of where your mind goes when you lose someone in that "partner" role.

So I think its fair to attribute the lessening thinking of dating others as just an extension of thinking about her as much. Alternatively, the recent focus for me around eating has maybe taken center stage and crowded out everything else, which is a little worrying.

I hope I'm not just covering up feelings with this, and that I don't deal with myself properly because of it.

I also have the urge to say again that I very much hold her in high regard, and think she's a really great person. I usually don't like to use great person without qualifying in what sense, but it feels right here. Obviously we had our issues and she wasn't perfect.