Even though I was aware of it while in the relationship, the extent to which I relied on Gail for a lot of various things hits hard when it’s gone. Despite sometimes being annoying, it was nice to be able to talk someone about my day, even if nothing really happened.

It definitely had its drawbacks, like me questioning my every move at times and monitoring my behavior because I knew I would have to justify it. That sucked. But talking through even mild challenges was nice to decompress and feel supported and like someone was interest.

Here I quickly progressed through multiple stages of relapse, and now I am coming back around to normal(ish) (fingers crossed). Being forced to problem solve by myself is certainly interesting, and I definitely solve things more quickly on my own.

The attention and support and care is nice, but being forced to figure shit out on my own is certainly effective, at least for smaller stuff like this I suppose.

also idk why but im a little over the heavy restricting. i am glad about where my weight is at rn, though id like it to be a little lower (straddling the line between underweight and normal would be 🤤). The 1500 was too little I think tho. As I mentioned before I was having

lots of side effects and I couldn't focus. So I changed my app to be losing 1/2 lb per week rather than 1 lb, but I think my metabolism is hosed anyway. Its been through a lot so I feel like it just adapts really quickly now to changes in how much food. I think just the tracking

itself is useful and nice though, so I'll keep doing that. And weighing myself every week I'll continue as well. I think I'll be able to remain feeling in control without killing myself, which seems like a fair balance.

internal conflict like this is weird without the audience. Maybe I've just matured but I wouldn't give myself that much credit. I think I enjoyed the attention or at least other people perceiving me as having some sort of issue, regardless of what that was like.

else's profit. It's not fair of me to take advantage of someone else merely because the surrounding systems suck. Or maybe it is, idk, ethics is hard. Regardless I know it wouldn't work for her, so it won't work at all.

I hope I can figure out something soon. I'm scared, and I don't know what to do.

making personal sacrifices for her is the easiest thing to do. sure, I won't enjoy it as much as her and maybe not as much as she'd like me to, but I won't be miserable.

And now I suppose I have to think about this from her perspective. Would she be interested in a relationship like that? I mean she would definitely want me to have a job, but would probably be pretty flexible with me, and I could make it up by doing the bills and housework

Going on trips and adventures and things would be frustrating probably, and because I sort of lack the genuine interest that would lose the magic that she feels in them. I could force myself, and I could act like whatever, but that shines through and isn't sustainable.

I don't know, maybe it would be possible, but I think she would remain unfulfilled. And I think I would probably be unfulfilled as well. Instead of selling out, I would be profiting off of a synthetic relationship out of fear of life.

She is protective and safe and I have a bad habit of really playing it safe in life. But I also have a bad habit of not taking on the responsibilities that the current paradigm offers. Even if it's shit and cruel and oppressive, at some point I will have to sell out for someone

I fear that I will either be miserable with my work or find nothing sufficient and end up barely scraping by with shitty jobs or something. The fear is very intense and thinking about it makes me want the security back. I would trade a lot to have that security back in my life.

My initial emotions when thinking about this was to say fuck it and do whatever things Gail wanted from me to stay. Who cares at that point, if the alternative is between being miserable for the rest of my life and being financially insecure. Its not like the tradeoff is that bad

I would just have to do things with her that she was interested and passionate about, and remember to get her cute gifts and to communicate often. Honestly that stuff is totally acceptable and enjoyable. I think the only reason why I was struggling to do that in our relationship

was that the alternative was just taking time for myself and having that personal freedom and time to think and explore myself. That's my favorite activity in the world, so I'll obviously choose that. But if the alternative is selling out my values and long term stability,

Fuck. thinking about long term stuff makes me like incredibly nervous for the future. I am really struggling to find something that would fit my values, if I could even fully nail them down. The main thing tho is that i feel no security.

Everything is up in the air, especially without Gail being around. Like before I had the reassurance that she would have good stable job prospects and that I had flexibility with my options. Now I feel really constrained and really fearful about the future.

I miss having Gail's perspective on things. I feel really isolated now when I'm unsure about the world. I can turn to my parents, but they have mislead me before and have too limited of a perspective. Someone my age with the relevant understanding of what is required and normal

was very useful and comforting, even when the advice provided was not comforting and instead challenging. At least then I had a standard to approach, now I know that I am lacking but am unsure about in what ways. It's a broad anxiety that everything I'm doing is incorrect.

I'm not sure how to fix it without having more friends or resources, and that sucks.

“My brain may not be working properly and I have no energy or focus and I’m dizzy all the time but soon I will be happy with how I look,” he lied.

Yet I will do it anyway! Let’s gooo. Just for a widdle bit I won’t let it get out of control, I say, getting once again addicted to the feeling of not eating enough. The funny part is I actually feel okay with how my body looks for the most part, at least with clothes on.

Also I don’t really care too much how I appear to others, idk my brain is just a large set of contradictory emotions. Control control control control I guess. I was surprisingly light for not (really) intentionally restricting.

I felt as if my concerns were pretty petty, and I didn't even really need her to change much. But clearly that can cause of a lot of problems, especially if people are on different pages. And I think a lot of my lack of communication caused the large issues in our relationship

Like the multiple mini breakups or any time I would let something bothering me fester until I blew up. I definitely need to learn how to speak up for myself even, no especially, when it is minor. Otherwise I let it go and passively let it happen.

I hope I learn the right lessons from our time together, and I hope she can continue to grow as well.

And I have previously said that most of the issues were my fault, which is probably true, but I also think I oversold it a bit. As in my personality and preferences lend themselves much less to the traditional expectations for a partner in a relationship, much less a "boyfriend"

I don't want to excuse my behavior too much though. Clearly I grew a lot during the period we were together, and a lot of that growth was probably more painful to her than to me. Then again, I was fairly forgiving and lenient with her problematic behavior for the most part,

which is not necessarily a good thing but I definitely didn't demand much out of her for the most part. Not that demanding is bad, its very very normalized in romantic relationships in our society and relationship anarchism is far away from that norm.

Not that I necessarily am on board with all of the implications of RA, but I definitely had a lot of similar behavior in my relationships. Still though, even with RA communication is vitally important, and I dropped the ball on that with my concerns, probably partly because

And its interesting, I've been thinking less and less about dating others as well. Not that I was ever considering that in anywhere near the short term, but I think that's just sort of where your mind goes when you lose someone in that "partner" role.

So I think its fair to attribute the lessening thinking of dating others as just an extension of thinking about her as much. Alternatively, the recent focus for me around eating has maybe taken center stage and crowded out everything else, which is a little worrying.

I hope I'm not just covering up feelings with this, and that I don't deal with myself properly because of it.

I also have the urge to say again that I very much hold her in high regard, and think she's a really great person. I usually don't like to use great person without qualifying in what sense, but it feels right here. Obviously we had our issues and she wasn't perfect.

:/ i miss being able to talk to Gail about health issues. It's frustrating when I have questions and have no idea where to go. Not like just I'm curious about the actual issue, but it was nice to listen to a friend explain something with intelligence.

Sort of a personalized mini education on things that im curious about. I really appreciated that, it was nice. By the way, its been a bit since I've really felt hard about her for a bit. Like it comes in and out still ofc, but its slowly getting better.

I think that's good, but at the same time that by itself does sting a bit. Like a next step of her exiting my life, which is just kinda :/. I want her to be happy, and I know this is better for both of us in the long run, I just miss having that level of intimacy with a person.

Consuming amounts of food. I think it’s fair to say I have some sort of body dysmorphia shit going down. Also food sizes to calories are like ridiculous - nuts have so much, veg has so little. Anyway idk what I want to do going forward, and I don’t really feel like I can talk to

Anyone about it. I guess I’ll keep a journal and try to speak up if I feel things are going too far. When I thought I was heavier, my goal was 145, but now I think 135 would be nice. I’m aware this is mostly in my head, but my body feels very gross and I would like to relieve

That. I know reaching arbitrary threshold won’t help with that, and I know this issue goes much deeper than just solving it by giving in. I’m just gonna see where this takes me for a bit.

I’m struggling a lot with food again. Now I kinda know more though so I’m doing it in a weird and probably more effective way. Previously I basically got all of the bad parts and none of the good of being anorexic. My BMI was on the low end of normal but my eating patterns were

Just really strange. Idk. But now I’ve been counting calories and I even bought a scale. Everything I’m doing is very methodical, but my impulses feel very out of control. I thought I weighed about 170, turns out I’m 146 (the scale arrived today).

I’m trying to be aim for 1500-1600 calories, I think any lower is bad and will do weird starve mode shit. It takes a lot a LOT of mental energy. I think about it all the fucking time. But the alternative seems so much worse. Like how could I just go about my day randomly

Continued. But yeah basically all I did today was consume media. Normally I watch a lot of YouTube but today that’s All I did. No video games, not just in between homework, but that’s it. x2 a movie and x3 a ton of vids just consuming.

It actually felt pretty good, and I sorta just let myself relax fully without feeling like I had to be pressured into being productive. Good reset period.

Team stuff screwed with my perception permanently I think, and I didn’t have the same goals or mindsets as those around me. I never really wanted T2 or OWL, I just enjoyed playing. Teams then emphasized 4.2, 4.3, 4.4, 4.5 as their own new ranks, so the grind continued